tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85522483774077089952024-03-06T11:59:36.053-08:00Divorce Doesn't Have to Be a Dirty Word -- Divorce Wellness for Real LifeKaren Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-9162219886492046552022-10-21T17:45:00.000-07:002022-10-21T17:45:16.528-07:00A Place for Empathy in Resolving Conflict<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLajgrO83emWlRS_UldMkUtXOiYqDq_Scw-TA-dbfxBaE87FqMguqoZpAfnZfiW73eM14FKMj_IQn7aMQ_-gkxUhnLKjT45mxJQSOjhWFy10KO91k-q3yFF9_7yVwbXsX20K5KIaxnsvAeFowfSe2uIYMZoJQm-WuMg9InPdF6VWqj3m9mSem5Lixu/s3008/Empathy.3.Blog.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3008" data-original-width="2000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLajgrO83emWlRS_UldMkUtXOiYqDq_Scw-TA-dbfxBaE87FqMguqoZpAfnZfiW73eM14FKMj_IQn7aMQ_-gkxUhnLKjT45mxJQSOjhWFy10KO91k-q3yFF9_7yVwbXsX20K5KIaxnsvAeFowfSe2uIYMZoJQm-WuMg9InPdF6VWqj3m9mSem5Lixu/s320/Empathy.3.Blog.JPG" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>"Empathy" (El Capitan, Yosemite)</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></div><br /> <p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>It’s not always my easiest sell – and I get it – when you’re
doing your best just to sit quietly in the same room, when you’re here in the
first place because you have reached the end of the line, when there’s a lot of
red-hot conflict between you, it might sound ludicrous for me to tell you that
I’m going to work with you to increase your empathy for that other person. But
stay with me and let me try to tell you why it will help resolve your conflict.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">Empathy is the ability to
understand the feelings, thoughts, and motivations of others – even if you
disagree with them. It has been referred to as a “super power” in part because
it is extremely effective in helping to reduce conflict. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Utilizing empathy helps to separate the
personas involved (e.g., husband/dad and wife/mom) from the interests being
expressed (e.g., wanting what is “best” for the kids). For example, when
divorcing parents can hear that have very similar interests, that each of them
love their children and want their children to be happy and healthy, it is a
lot easier to come up with custody schedules and parenting plans that meet
those needs. On the other hand, if these same parents are focusing on the
person with whom they are in conflict, it is too easy to think about all the
“bad” things that person brings to parenting, rather than on the specific issue
being discussed, that is, what custody arrangements will work best for the kids
and for their parents. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">Empathy helps take you out of
“defense mode” so that you are more open to actually hearing and seeing things
from the other’s perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a
person feels empathy coming from another person, they are likely to feel more
calm, to stop fighting. Just knowing that you have been heard goes a long way
in resolving conflicts – it is like you are being granted permission to put
down your armor and end the battle. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">It's also said that being able to
use empathy empowers the person using it because they can use their empathy to help
to control the situation and help resolve the conflict. Similarly, employing
empathy helps you to control your own feelings and allow you to respond more
and react less – which always yields better results. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">Listening with empathy helps to
create an atmosphere where needs can be expressed more freely and fully, setting
the foundation for working out agreements where people’s needs are met, thus
resulting in long lasting consensus. In coming articles I’ll post some “easy
listening” techniques to help you listen with empathy, even during moments of
heated conflict. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">In the meantime, I hope you find this helpful! You can always
reach me at: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a>
or 510.210.3796. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><o:p> </o:p></p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-22281155345867172392022-02-04T11:47:00.000-08:002022-02-04T11:47:26.671-08:00Now Is a Great Time to Mediate, Not Litigate<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSklWiDiM6wOBle3fYQmwU-HtP9yK35W_FeoNPN5HQ8wfTxzmhD6EBgL7gdBu7GBDwGyr3WGtpfZB8Um0Tk_gf_AvzKMgOKNVq-PCconM6FzA0bWfg0f-EqSlD7BGFTM_0P82mnFCfVO5fHYNKfZM2E4dulYpNosSpGk_zauGjKYxaAmVR9acEl6B3=s2315" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1992" data-original-width="2315" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSklWiDiM6wOBle3fYQmwU-HtP9yK35W_FeoNPN5HQ8wfTxzmhD6EBgL7gdBu7GBDwGyr3WGtpfZB8Um0Tk_gf_AvzKMgOKNVq-PCconM6FzA0bWfg0f-EqSlD7BGFTM_0P82mnFCfVO5fHYNKfZM2E4dulYpNosSpGk_zauGjKYxaAmVR9acEl6B3=s320" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>Doorway, Paris</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><i><b>If you’ve read any of my blog
posts</b></i>, or heard me <a href="https://mckennabrink.com/podcasts/mediation">interviewed</a>,
or even talked to me for more than five minutes, you probably already know that
I adore mediation for conflict resolution. It is effective and saves people
money and emotional wear and tear. (Plus, there are a zillion – or at least fifty
thousand – more great benefits from mediation instead of litigation, but since
I’m trying to keep it brief, I’ll stop here!)
<o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">This week I participated in a Zoom
meeting with the Family Law bench and bar, which included updates on Covid
requirements, Covid delays, and budget constraints. As I listened to the conversation,
the refrain that kept repeating in my head was: <i>Now is a <b>really, really</b>,
great time to mediate instead of litigate.</i>
The judges and clerks are working harder than ever but because of budget
and Covid delays, fighting in court is taking longer than before. It would appear
that for the foreseeable future, there will be new Covid-requirements, adding
to the litigation maze, which is already fraught with delays, frustrations, and
costly legal bills. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">When I put all these facts into the
hopper, to me, the message is clear: If you possibly can, choose mediation
instead of litigation! Of course, I do understand that not everyone wants to or
can mediate – some circumstances seem to necessitate the strong hand of a judge
in order to obtain the divorce decree – and still, I’m optimistic that with the
current state of the courts, more and more people will mediate instead of
litigate. Heck, maybe the court system will institute some formal incentives to
entice people out of the courts and into a satisfying mediated judgment instead….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">If you want to talk about how you’re
interested in mediation but you think it couldn’t possibly work for you, or if
you have any questions, please let me know: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> or
510-210-3796. <o:p></o:p></p></div><p><br /> </p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-64097293505029928082022-01-26T14:52:00.000-08:002022-01-26T14:52:31.498-08:00What to Do If Your Mediation Goes into a Tailspin<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEin2IPLRyKuLD4Yx944tWa355NypupUKZZ30v81uRZ9uaHEBU7r1Fi9LaSze51_sOB__g0i6yUNFcVEQD4G_PyXm4SuvKhSvuoMWcBnmL6AXx6MTm-WpONjB7nmoJN8METE-Wn2K8Bq08BVWlD07QVLeV6si8rcif5oyoY4udgRlMUgNwvwVx6jedHO=s2997" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1356" data-original-width="2997" height="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEin2IPLRyKuLD4Yx944tWa355NypupUKZZ30v81uRZ9uaHEBU7r1Fi9LaSze51_sOB__g0i6yUNFcVEQD4G_PyXm4SuvKhSvuoMWcBnmL6AXx6MTm-WpONjB7nmoJN8METE-Wn2K8Bq08BVWlD07QVLeV6si8rcif5oyoY4udgRlMUgNwvwVx6jedHO=s320" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>Street Scene, Paris</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.25in;"><span> </span>It goes without saying that I am a
true believer </b><span style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.25in;">about mediation – otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this work. </span><span style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.25in;">Instead I’d be on an island in the sun...Okay
but back to conflict resolution reality….</span></div></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">I know that mediation isn’t always
easy on people, and still, I believe that considering possible outcomes,
financial expenditure, and emotional health, <b><i>mediation offers much better
options than litigation.</i></b> I could probably talk to you all day long
about why I believe in mediation, but I also understand that sometimes
mediations do fall apart. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">I have a few thoughts about how to try to keep a
mediation from tanking and ending up in a nasty, expensive, court fight. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Plan ahead – agree that if a stalemate arises, you
and your ex will engage in a set plan <i>(*see below); sort of a conflict
resolution inside of conflict resolution; <o:p></o:p></i></li><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Your plan could include any or all of the
following (or anything else that seems reasonable to the two of you) – a cooling
off period, e.g., 2 to 8 weeks without trying to work on it, an actual resting
period; commit to a discussion w/your mediator to get to the bottom of the reason(s)
to quit mediation; active listening and agreement to participate in good faith
to try to resolve the conflict within the conflict; </li><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->If you are already working w/counsel, see if the
attorneys can get past the stalemate, in discussion without the spouses, in
which the attorneys confer and then communicate with their clients; </li><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->If working with counsel, perhaps change
attorneys or agree to proceed in mediation without attorneys;</li><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Consider changing mediators; </li><li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Before ending mediation and heading to trial,
consider if there are <i>some issues that can be mediated </i>(e.g., custody
schedule, or spousal or child support, or allocation of assets, or how to
divide the book collection, etc.), resolve these by agreement and if the
remaining issues absolutely can’t be addressed in mediation, go to court on
those issues. </li></ul><!--[if !supportLists]--><p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">There are some situations, of
course, when mediation may not offer a viable remedy. For example, if your ex
is stalling and has zero intention of participating in good faith, if there is
a time-sensitive issue (e.g., impending re-marriage, death, financial consequence,
etc.), or in situations of dangerous domestic violence. If you’re engaged in mediation and you or
your ex want to throw in the towel and head to court, I hope that my
suggestions might be helpful to try to save you from a knockdown dragged out court fight. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;"><b>If you want to talk it over, you
can contact me anytime: <a href="mailto:Karen@karenjusterhecht.net">Karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a>
or 510.210.3796. Hang in there and remember that even miserable times don’t
last forever…. </b><o:p></o:p></p></div><p><br /></p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-88226617050429028312021-12-28T11:58:00.000-08:002021-12-28T11:58:23.905-08:00On Winter, Slowing Down, & Making Decisions<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh-WJPGj9oHwNaL2F-ZRUMqTKHDJBtZtiBSHft268wpIcDhTyJwPBjdbDCk3uYQLgtS2AxpKwQIkK-uFsls4GGwOkOfu4aMk4lVWvehaJLy_PD0RHKvtakNtNBCSdnwbtKPd3glyqsgRChDry13xUKE0ELc1ck1KuKNQ9UgGMgdzu-1KeFYaC8gSgR3=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh-WJPGj9oHwNaL2F-ZRUMqTKHDJBtZtiBSHft268wpIcDhTyJwPBjdbDCk3uYQLgtS2AxpKwQIkK-uFsls4GGwOkOfu4aMk4lVWvehaJLy_PD0RHKvtakNtNBCSdnwbtKPd3glyqsgRChDry13xUKE0ELc1ck1KuKNQ9UgGMgdzu-1KeFYaC8gSgR3=s320" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><b>Around this time of year </b>I usually
get a flurry of calls. People reaching out to talk – often for the first time
saying the words out loud – “I’m thinking of getting a divorce…” I listen and
answer their questions as best as I can – the legal stuff, the expectations,
the fears – and also often what I hear is hesitation. Although I’m not sure I
have the best answers for someone who is “on the fence,” actually, I think some
hesitation regarding this major decision is a healthy approach. Once that divorce ball gets rolling, especially
in litigated cases, it grows and often takes on a course of its own. (I
usually suggest that divorcing parents watch “Marriage Story”, which is a
pretty accurate representation of what can happen.)<o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<p class="MsoNormal">Divorce is a very personal decision and only two people know
best – the divorcing spouses. Friends and relatives usually mean well; their
approach is couched in love and concern. But only the two people in the
relationship, those people intimately involved in every aspect of the marriage,
are in the best position to make the decision: Should I stay or should I go? (<b><i>Caveat</i></b>:
In situations of dangerous domestic violence, the victimized spouse often is unable
to see and accept the facts and can need active assistance in walking away.) When I talk with people about divorcing, I do
not tell them what they “should” do – initiate divorce or stay – instead I
listen and try to help them make this decision. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Over the years, paying attention to my clients, I’ve noticed
that December brings an interesting mix of emotions. Anticipation – the new year with new
beginnings is just around the corner – and also a slowness, which seems akin to
the human need for hibernation. At first glance these seems to be polarities –
one is all about action and the other is all about rest. I have come to see the
beautiful value in each of these reactions, and in their interplay. If we can allow ourselves both of these
experiences, I think we can connect with our true hearts and make good
decisions about all of life’s choices, and truly, seeking a divorce is a big
decision, worthy of our best efforts….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you want to talk, and want someone neutral to listen, please
feel free to contact me: <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a>
or @divorcewellnessguru on Instagram or @ 510.210.3796. <o:p></o:p></p></div><p><br /> </p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-1388727307056540632021-03-23T14:21:00.000-07:002021-03-23T14:21:51.075-07:00Working through Conflict in the Zoom Room -- A New Era for Mediations <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TgIT_QfTUfWEPwteSnAX83fWsGfk57dlTvYlb1kXKrrRaptE6yziAABU3Lt2_Ja6VRe94sa9SQHW4ifSgGDRmf2k9qGmexaMaVTdHf4jz2Z8R24ZdQIpfYABdoI7YGAUgrst2jpgKqI/s870/Working+through+Thick+Paint.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="870" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TgIT_QfTUfWEPwteSnAX83fWsGfk57dlTvYlb1kXKrrRaptE6yziAABU3Lt2_Ja6VRe94sa9SQHW4ifSgGDRmf2k9qGmexaMaVTdHf4jz2Z8R24ZdQIpfYABdoI7YGAUgrst2jpgKqI/s320/Working+through+Thick+Paint.PNG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>(Working Through Thick Paint)</i></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">“Zoom” – which before the last year
mostly meant to “move fast” – has taken on a whole new meaning. Prior to the
Pandemic, thirty to forty percent of my work with clients was via Zoom. When
the Quarantine hit in full force, naturally, 100% of my work pivoted to Zoom. Video
conferencing became one of the most talked about topics among colleagues. I
attended several (Zoom) meetings about whether we “could” and “how to” hold
Zoom mediations. I felt lucky – it was already a platform that I’d been using
and I felt pretty comfortable at it. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A year
later, as we contemplate some sort of return to in-person work, I have been
thinking about the look of my “new office” – virtual, in-person, a hybrid? Part
of my cogitating has been about what face-to-face mediations looked like before
the Quarantine, and also about how Zoom mediations have offered different,
useful, perspectives. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven’t done an
empirical study (after all, I’m a mediator, not a scientific researcher) but
based on anecdotal observations, what I have noticed is that when I’m helping
people work through some difficult conflicts, when emotions are very high, working
in the Zoom Room actually seems to be more effective than working face-to-face
in my (lovely) office setting. When Zooming from different rooms – <i>brought magically
together through the video conferencing platform </i>– in the safety and comfort
of their own spaces, people seem to be able to access their emotions much
easier than if the “source of the conflict” is sitting three feet away from them,
breathing the same air, taking up the same space. The distance afforded by the
Zoom Room seems to give people greater tolerance for the emotional spikes that
are inevitable – both for the other person and in themselves. I have noticed
that as difficult emotional conversations are unfolding, people in the Zoom Room seem to
be able to breathe and hear the words which the other person is speaking, instead
of simply reacting to the words (which is of course a very common human
behavior). Perhaps that nanosecond delay in the video conferencing software provides
some literal breathing room, which helps defuse emotional tensions….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m
still evaluating what the “post-Pandemic” reality of my mediation practice will
look like. Of course, I will be taking into account the prevailing public
health recommendations (which at this point are not wholly embracing fully
unrestricted in-person meetings). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
going to also be very mindful of how video conferencing might actually offer something
better than in-person, old style, mediations. At the very least, I think that
video mediations have provided an effective – unexpected – benefit that can be
very helpful to clients. And, as this last year living through the Pandemic has
taught us in no uncertain terms…the future is hard to predict and is wide open
with possibilities….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><b>If you have any questions about how mediation might work
in your situation, please reach out to me: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> or
510.210.3796…and in the meantime, I hope that you are staying well and feeling
hopeful about your future!</b><o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-37104048313847025052021-01-12T15:38:00.000-08:002021-01-12T15:38:32.918-08:00<blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-family: georgia;">A Quick Update</span></p></blockquote><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"> 2021, it seems, started off with quite a whoosh – it’s hard
to believe that we’re nearly halfway through January already! I am planning a
nice new year’s post before January slips totally away…in the meantime, a
really brief greeting to say happy new year and, last week I gave my first-ever
podcast interview, discussing all things mediation with Ryan Lockhart at
McKenna Brink Signorotti. I really
enjoyed our conversation and hope that I shed some light about mediation. You
can find the interview <a href="https://mckennabrink.com/podcasts/mediation">at this link</a>, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Of course, if you have any
questions, please feel free to contact me @ 510.210.3796 or <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> .</span></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia;"> Happy
2021 and I hope to be back here soon with some thoughts about divorce and the
new year!</span><o:p></o:p></p><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtZ6gcVWAWnMlNc2Z_xyD-NC1IR_f1EUlz2sJX9PBtNUQpeo0EyZGphGX-4BFkk7c6Q3dWlNLVDXp7YLrNYhbXTjsTortbnjpLsRTFvbd0X8y_70MDSkGs4Hz0XJ4LvUebMEYWS0xoBrs/s640/Paris+by+night.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtZ6gcVWAWnMlNc2Z_xyD-NC1IR_f1EUlz2sJX9PBtNUQpeo0EyZGphGX-4BFkk7c6Q3dWlNLVDXp7YLrNYhbXTjsTortbnjpLsRTFvbd0X8y_70MDSkGs4Hz0XJ4LvUebMEYWS0xoBrs/s320/Paris+by+night.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-48029669035668047732020-09-04T14:24:00.000-07:002020-09-04T14:24:24.383-07:00Creating Your Foundation (Not A Panacea)<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO56yE4P7eddaaBgbhjRWH2lj6c0R0hTDFu4l7hO91P-Vreusu0xji9eIiF9rQ_Ma2OZB3PfOSKIdksqkgvn36HEwK4IC1Ina57O7HbePjl6ROPtcrZN4gLvgZIKX5yAuDs-cg-uEYVzQ/s2048/DSC_0159.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1362" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO56yE4P7eddaaBgbhjRWH2lj6c0R0hTDFu4l7hO91P-Vreusu0xji9eIiF9rQ_Ma2OZB3PfOSKIdksqkgvn36HEwK4IC1Ina57O7HbePjl6ROPtcrZN4gLvgZIKX5yAuDs-cg-uEYVzQ/s320/DSC_0159.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">(Yucatan, 2018)</div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"> <b> Working with a Divorce Coach isn’t going to solve your problems.</b>
(Sorry.) Following advice to meditate,
eat well, walk on the beach, and get plenty of sleep won’t make your divorce
issues (or any other issues) go up in a puff of magic smoke.* That would be
great, but it probably won’t happen quite like that.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Your Divorce
Coach – even the most excellent and wise coach – isn’t going to tell you “the
answers.” Instead, your hard work (and there’s no way to sugarcoat: it will be
hard work) is to listen to your coach – even when you don’t want to hear what
you know deep inside is true, as you build up your own strength, find your own
solid ground, and determine the best answers for yourself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you’ve done the hard work, when you
solidify your center, you will emerge knowing how strong and wonderful you are.
You will trust yourself and from this grounded place, you will be ready to meet
every challenge that you have to walk through.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you
want to get past your divorce issues – <b>if you want to thrive</b> – there is
no other option other than walking through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s like that children’s book: Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, you
have to go right through it. And although there isn’t a magic pill that someone
can give you, maybe after all there is the magic that you find inside yourself….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">*To be clear: walking on the beach, meditating, etc. are <b><i>wonderful</i></b>
and I enthusiastically recommend. If you want to talk about other things that I
would suggest for you, let’s talk: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a>
– until then, take good care and try to find something beautiful every day! <o:p></o:p></p>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-63275084726204473882019-09-11T17:48:00.000-07:002019-09-11T17:50:02.227-07:00Finding Your Divorce Wellness<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Divorce wellness</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> is a real thing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t an oxymoron. And it doesn’t magically
appear. Divorce Wellness isn’t something that I (or anyone) can give you. You
can’t buy Divorce Wellness off the shelf. I can tell you about it, can help
lead you through it, but the work, the commitment, must be done by you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry – if I could give it to you, all
wrapped up with a perfectly tied ribbon, I would, but that’s not how it works. <b>I
can, however, help you to find Divorce Wellness for yourself.</b> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>For those of
us who have been divorced, or who are divorcing, we know that there is a
special kind of awful that often comes with the process and although a lot of people
say “It is what it is” – <i>The</i> <i>truth is:</i> <i>it doesn’t have to be
this way!</i> You <i>can</i> learn how to step through the muck and emerge into
a new beautiful joyful normal. Really. I promise you that you can do it. I’m
not saying it’s always easy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For sure, divorce
can throw us into a kind of grief and, as a wise grief counselor said, “You can
go through grief, or you can grow through grief.” Yes, in a big way, divorce <i>can
</i>suck AND, <i>the great thing is that you can attain <b>Divorce Wellness </b>and
live a really happy life thereafter!<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As a first
step, try giving yourself permission to create the <b>space for</b> <b>your own
Divorce Wellness</b>. Get intentional about it. Start by allowing yourself to
acknowledge that there is a need and that it is permissible – necessary even – to
allocate time and resources to get yourself where you want to be. Next, come up
with “A Plan” – this could be done working on your own, working with a divorce coach
(or a therapist), scouring the Internet for tips, or some other method. Your
plan might not look the same as another person’s. The basics that I usually suggest
include a regular meditation or grounding practice, creating a support network,
getting physical, connecting with nature, and then more detailed actions (which
could include learning about the divorce process, choosing an attorney, etc.) depending
on what is needed in each situation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have created a day-long <b>Divorce
Wellness Retreat</b> to help you get back your joie de vivre, and then some.
The retreat includes specific tips for how to achieve your own Divorce Wellness,
general divorce information, restorative Yoga, a delicious catered lunch, and
the creation of a safe and nurturing space in a beautiful location. If you want
to learn more, please reach out to me with any questions – 510.210.3796; <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early bird registration before 9/20/2019. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><i><span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: yellow; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Whatever path you
choose, I wish you joy and contentment….<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><i><span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Divorce Wellness</span></u></b><u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> <b>Event Details:</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u><span style="color: yellow; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">What:</span></u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> A day-long retreat designed to help people
find their joy before, during, or after their divorce <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u><span style="color: yellow; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">When:</span></u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> October 26, 2019, 10:00 a.m. to 4:30
p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u><span style="color: yellow; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Where:</span></u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> Gorgeous Sonoma County (address given
upon registration)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcPFhNX8-zPAkJTnr4SYYsHFEhFW1w2wd5ql3zQyRM5KpKP6aLHuZn79m-B3dAN6ZcQ5vdNa684KdiMEaX4eU8fua-Ooe7ugXHoHREzTG8o0u0bYA-xODewB9tDCZwGVwppAJl3jRtpVk/s1600/Divorce+Wellness+Retreat.Brochure.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcPFhNX8-zPAkJTnr4SYYsHFEhFW1w2wd5ql3zQyRM5KpKP6aLHuZn79m-B3dAN6ZcQ5vdNa684KdiMEaX4eU8fua-Ooe7ugXHoHREzTG8o0u0bYA-xODewB9tDCZwGVwppAJl3jRtpVk/s320/Divorce+Wellness+Retreat.Brochure.png" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-8613772412124193302019-03-18T16:12:00.000-07:002019-03-18T16:12:14.748-07:00Mediation: A Different Approach to Family Law<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU5Lf5OTGc13Y6_Xkf_QMnUpBZodt0GkZ0BsGZU3FhcYC2fj6vVHE_yvfZi0mtYnNxsI1B53S2tpvZ0XODwVhuffhLdDQDouU9TtBpFsb7tB21hMZUKssNy8OyumYWyRo6Td9mtiFBL1k/s1600/Door+Knockers.+Rome+%25284%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="1600" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU5Lf5OTGc13Y6_Xkf_QMnUpBZodt0GkZ0BsGZU3FhcYC2fj6vVHE_yvfZi0mtYnNxsI1B53S2tpvZ0XODwVhuffhLdDQDouU9TtBpFsb7tB21hMZUKssNy8OyumYWyRo6Td9mtiFBL1k/s320/Door+Knockers.+Rome+%25284%2529.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Door Knockers, Rome</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I saw a “joke” on a German Instagram for lawyers.</b> It goes
something like this: “Ending your marriage is really tough because you have to
deal with feelings<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">…and with lawyers…</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I chuckled when I saw it. And I also recoiled
a little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like to see the narrative
re-framed: “We got to work through some really difficult issues and with the
help of a lawyer we came up with a great workable mediation agreement!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
It doesn’t make a good snappy joke
and perhaps it does sound a little ridiculous – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who wants to deal with feelings and with attorneys, and who would ever
believe that the acrimony that led to divorce could move over so that an agreement
could be reached??</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the truth is,
getting a divorce doesn’t have to add to the emotional minefield. There are effective
ways to divorce that don’t add gasoline to the raging fire. As
counter-intuitive as it might sound, based on my years of life and work
experience, I hope to convince you that mediating a peaceful settlement is actually
a great way to obtain a divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Dealing with the underlying
feelings – the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reasons </i>for the
disputes – can work miracles to help the divorcing parties come to
understandings of themselves and of their former partners, leading the way for
agreements regarding custody and property and all those other thorny family law
issues. The benefits of this approach can include saving substantial amounts of
money by not going to court – litigation is horribly expensive. Mediation also
saves emotional wear and tear for every member of the family – divorcing
spouses and children and siblings (and also friends and co-workers) – as unfortunately
litigation often brings out the very worst in otherwise nice people. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are also significant long-term benefits because
an agreement where each person has a say is much more likely to be adhered to
in the future, which reduces the likelihood of having to go to court to make
changes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I love my work as a family law
mediator and I’m on a mission to help people get divorced without feeling like
they’ve bounced through class five rapids without a raft. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Coming to an agreement</i> on important issues like custody, support,
the family home, the family dog, etc., etc., <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feels really good</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for the people
getting divorced</i>, which can be an important step toward living a happy
post-divorce life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I try to help divorcing parties to
focus on the long game and not just the pain and anger which they are currently
feeling (all of which is valid and has its place too). Sitting with their ex in
a mediator’s office might not be the way that most people would choose to spend
their afternoons, however, more often than not, the end result is great and
makes it well worth the effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
If you think mediation might be
right for you, please feel free to contact me with your questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tel</b>:
510.210.3796 <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Email</b>: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-54079657237649142332019-02-18T14:43:00.000-08:002019-02-18T14:43:35.907-08:00Divorce Wellness Positivity Blog ~~ Let’s Be Honest: Some Days Are Super Bad<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmHzpeIFk8dGeAFSyJ87ZLjx4KHKEUxSLZzyx-Z7OjEzHyFw0Nd6vgU7aOy13ymDsEoybfBuWCbBD0G1XFXSBhnI-cNY6YXpzakwiNDnglJ6Vq2hdbUitP1zgXPdmYMw6xLGVmZ7VyI8/s1600/Hilo+Botanical+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="873" data-original-width="1600" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmHzpeIFk8dGeAFSyJ87ZLjx4KHKEUxSLZzyx-Z7OjEzHyFw0Nd6vgU7aOy13ymDsEoybfBuWCbBD0G1XFXSBhnI-cNY6YXpzakwiNDnglJ6Vq2hdbUitP1zgXPdmYMw6xLGVmZ7VyI8/s320/Hilo+Botanical+4.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b>In some ways divorce is a microcosm of life.</b> Ups
and downs just like always (except probably more extreme when you’re divorcing than
most daily challenges). Some moments you’re feeling great, exuberant even, free
from the marriage that has been troubling you for a while. Other times you feel
really low, too exhausted to continue (and at that moment, you learn your ex
has filed for a court date, or your attorney is demanding to be paid, or your
kids are acting out, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">or etc.</i>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Divorce is often referred to as one of the most
difficult life events – but you already know that. At times during your
divorce, the highs might feel really marvelous, and the lows might challenge
you more than you feel you can bear. And still, you must go on, even when you
don’t have one more ounce to spare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can’t give up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow you have to
muster the strength – for yourself, for your kids, for your future…. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If your
divorce is getting you down, you gotta get yourself up, not give up. Of course
I’m not saying it’s easy. Many things that are worthwhile don’t come easy. You
will have to seriously engage in order to make things better. Create your own “boot
camp.” Get tough with yourself so that you can take good care of yourself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">
So here’s what I suggest:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Consciously decide that you, your life, your future,
your happiness are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">worth it</i></b></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Give yourself a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">limit</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>– for example, let yourself feel weary and blue for another 48
hours – and then be ready to find your boot straps and move on </li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Make a list</i></b> of all the things about
your divorcing life that suck; make a list of all the things about your
divorcing life that are great – include the things that will be better
post-divorce; you might be surprised by what is on the lists</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Get physical!</i></b> Take a walk, ride a
bike, engage in Yoga (in a class or online), or scrub your bathroom – each of
these activities will release positive endorphins</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Visit</i> </b>with a good friend or loving
relative</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Start <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">making plans</i></b> of what you will be
doing post-divorce</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thank</i></b> yourself, the Universe/your
god, for all of the great things that you do have (e.g., running water, a roof
over your head, people who love you, great children, your special talents for
____, etc., etc.)</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Remind yourself that you are strong and that you
are not going to give up – <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have faith</i></b></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you need help, ask for it</i></b> –
utilize your support network, including loved ones and divorce coaches </li>
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Try to remember that tomorrow or
the next day (or the next month), the sun will shine again….<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-7870315652624726922018-11-24T17:43:00.000-08:002018-11-24T17:43:20.183-08:00Divorce Wellness – Holiday Co-Parenting <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>(December, Yosemite Valley)</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> Parenting is wonderful. And challenging. Even
under the best of circumstances. The holidays can be wonderful, and challenging
– especially if you are “newly separated.” Everything seems heightened during
this season—more traffic on the roads, longer lines in stores, constant “happy
holiday music” – all of which can be particularly challenging if you’re trying
to navigate the first holidays since your break-up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It can be daunting but it is possible</i> to
have smooth, happy holidays. Really. To begin with, try to work on remaining
(or regaining) calm, resisting the pull to escalate. And try to keep bringing
your focus back to your children, working to see things through their eyes,
feel what they are experiencing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(If you
find this difficult, it may be helpful to start with some grounding/centering
exercises – breathing, meditating, walking, etc. – feel free to contact me if
you would like additional help with this.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In
addition to the general advice to find some calm, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">specific co-parenting tips for smooth(er) holidays include:<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Before
the holidays crash around you, find a quiet time to work with your ex (otherwise
known as the other parent to your darling children) to come up with specific
plans so that surprises are minimized, avoiding confusion for you and for your
children;</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">If
it’s possible, see if you and your ex can continue some holiday traditions with
your children; if you find it causes more tension to be together, create new
traditions to enjoy with your children (without the other parent);</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Try
to be flexible and open to changes;</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Remember
to take good care of yourself too;</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">If
things seem too overwhelming, (or depressing, or any other big difficult
emotion), try to come back to centering yourself and focusing on your children,
and if you need to, don’t hesitate to contact a friend or professional to help
you through the rough spots...</span></li>
</ul>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Although this
post is geared toward divorcing parents, the suggestions can also be useful for
any single person coming into the holidays.</span></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">
Although the holidays may bring challenges, we can learn new ways to enjoy and
feel good. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As
always, if you have any questions or if you’d like to talk, feel free to
contact me anytime! [You can email me: <a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a> or contact
me through my website: <a href="http://www.karenjusterhecht.net/">www.karenjusterhecht.net</a>
]<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i></i>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-37639637534718396432018-07-30T16:28:00.000-07:002018-07-30T16:28:17.272-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Emergency Response Plan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Proxima nova", serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not wanting to add gasoline to the
divorce fire, I hate to use the words “emergency” and “divorce” in the same conversation. However, my mission in life is to help and
sometimes that means straight talking about stuff that people don’t want to
hear. So, with that warning, here’s my
advice: <b>You need to write an “Emergency
Response Plan”</b> as part of your divorce! The data proves that those who have an
emergency plan are more likely to survive a disaster and while I’m not exactly
saying that divorces are like disasters, there are definitely some parallels….If
you have your plan, when “stuff happens” and your emotions are flaring (which
often means you’re reacting instead of thinking), you can follow your plan
instead of screaming at your ex in front of your children, or throwing a cast
iron pan, or any number of things that normal angry people might do…and then
later regret….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>During a divorce (which could start long
before the word “DIVORCE!” is uttered and keep going all the way through the
final decree and way beyond – sometimes a whole lifetime if there are lingering
issues), it’s pretty certain that at least one “emergency” will pop up. Maybe money
is withheld, or you learn that your ex is about to take a great vacation with
your children and the new love interest, or a judge “unexpectedly” rules
against you, etc., etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are a
bunch of things that could easily ignite a trigger. I’m guessing that everyone
reading this could tell me about some horrific button-pushing-divorce-emergency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You
can’t plan for everything; however, you can have a general plan to fall back on
when the going gets super rough so that when it does (because at some point, it
will), instead of retaliating, you can calmly do what you need to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise you that no matter how livid you get
when the “emergency” hits you, your interests will be much better served if you
can stick with a measured response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust
me, notwithstanding how angry and justified you feel in the moment, a judge
reading about it later will probably see it differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s also the reverberating emotional
baggage that you (and your children) will carry from an angry outburst.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And after the heat has passed, as you
continue on with your life, you will feel better if you have used your “Emergency
Response Plan” instead of reacting in the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger begets anger – no matter how great it
might feel at the time (to lash out), feeding the fire of anger only leads to
more anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you get to that
point, try to focus on how you want to feel – do you want to feel hopping mad
or do you want to feel blissful and content?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There is a time and place for
anger, though it’s much better if it can be directed to an appropriate channel</i>.
In my Divorce Wellness work, I coach clients to focus on their wellness and help
them to take steps to build it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hopefully you’re now convinced that
Emergency Preparedness is a fundamental part of Divorce Wellness and you’re
ready to try it. Here’s some ideas to help you get started:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">In
a quiet time, think about your </span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">trigger
points</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">, write them down, remind yourself that when triggered, you will
utilize your Emergency Response Plan</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Write
down a </span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">list of friends and family</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">
who you can call, text, hang out with when necessary to vent (and use this with
care so that loved ones don’t get burned out)</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Think
of </span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">activities that self-sooth</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"> you (these
are individual for each person so my suggestions may not do it for you and that’s
okay – think about your own self-soothers). Possibilities: yoga, running,
swimming, walking, singing, dancing, washing dishes, gardening, etc., etc.
(Recently I dragged my grumpy friend to a plant nursery, a magical couple acres
in the middle of the city – we were both blown away at how wonderful it felt to
walk through the aisles of beautiful lush little plants – I highly recommend!)</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Educate yourself</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"> about the different ways of obtaining
a divorce – e.g., “do it yourself,” mediation, litigation – to decide which
method will work best for you</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Always
try to </span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">practice self-TLC (tender loving
care</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">) – it’s okay if you blow it and blow up sometimes! We are all human
beings and not perfect so if you fall off your plan once in a while, please
give yourself a pass and move on….</span></li>
</ul>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">RESOURCES:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/19/smarter-living/how-to-turn-toxic-emotions-into-positive-actions.html</b></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Contact me if you want to talk about
your Divorce Wellness and creating the new normal that makes you happy – <span class="MsoHyperlink"><a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a></span>
OR 510.210.3796</span></b></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-41910790134387168822018-05-04T13:16:00.001-07:002018-05-04T13:16:54.742-07:00Believing in Yourself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>I am so very fortunate</b> that on account of age, travails, travels,
and some guided instruction, I seem to be learning more and more of life’s
great lessons. Probably the most important lesson is that believing in
ourselves forms <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the</i> essential
foundation to healthy, happy, living. This one thing – believing in yourself –
more than any other thing, sets your tone for each day. And affects every
aspect of your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly, I am not
saying that if you believe in yourself nothing bad or evil or incomprehensibly
difficult will happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, what I absolutely
know to be true is that our lives are much more easeful if we have a healthy
self-esteem; the difficult events are easier to handle. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How does
this relate to divorcing, co-parenting, relationship breakup and
heartache?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fundamentally. Numerous
articles have been written about free fall drops in self-esteem during breakups.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s almost bound to happen to some degree;
however, you can prepare yourself and learn how to make improvements. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">See below for some how-to helpful
tips.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>As part of your divorce
scenario, the benefits of a healthy self-love are well worth the work. Good
self-esteem helps you to trust yourself to do what you need to do, even when the
tasks are daunting and it seems you will never get through your divorce, let alone
have a happy post-divorce life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Armed with a healthy self-esteem,
you will not waste your precious energy second guessing yourself as you make
huge decisions, which might include how you want your divorce to proceed (i.e.,
mediation or litigation, etc.), what makes sense for shared custody, whether
you can keep the house or sell it, etc., etc., etc. – tons of gigantic decisions.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we believe in ourselves, we are positioned
to be centered and grounded – maybe picture yourself in a good strong Warrior’s
Pose if you do Yoga, or if you have martial arts training, in a good fight
stance. Steady and ready for what is to come. Believing that you will not get
knocked down. Ever. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And also knowing that when you do get knocked down (because let’s be
honest, your divorce will up-end you at least once), you will be able to get
back up.</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Most
divorces come at people fast and furious (unless of course you’re going to
court, and then the lag times can be extremely frustrating).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A flurry of actions and emotions. Having a
solid self-esteem, being grounded and centered, will help you to stay focused and
resist the negative self-talk (and often the negative comments from your
ex).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you believe in yourself, you
will get less rattled when your angry ex is telling you that you’re not worth
jack, that you’re not going to have time with your kids, that you’re not going
to get any financial support, etc., etc. When your self-esteem is good, you can
let these comments roll off your back (think ducks and water).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just to be clear, although it may be
thought of as a gender thing, shaky self-esteem during a breakup is not limited
to women; I have had plenty of male clients who have been laid low by their
berating exes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Believing in yourself and being
grounded also puts you in a good position to make choices about what you would
like and to calmly take steps to achieve those goals, rather than reacting from
a defensive position. You will be in a better place to make those super
important decisions about your future and your children’s lives when you have a
good, solid, self-esteem. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In short, you
will be in a great place to start formulating your Plan Be (aka Plan Believe)
as you move through and beyond your breakup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can trust me – I’ve been through a nasty breakup, lots of life
challenges, increasing numbers of gray hair, and am quite happy now living my
Plan Be….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Resources to help
you believe in yourself:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“4 Tips to Put Your Best Foot Forward” --</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-forsythe-msw/life-after-divorce_b_6142300.html" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">https://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-forsythe-msw/life-after-divorce_b_6142300.html</a></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“7 Ways
to Get Your Self-Esteem Back After Divorce” -- </span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201608/7-ways-get-your-self-esteem-back-after-divorce" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201608/7-ways-get-your-self-esteem-back-after-divorce</a></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">You can start believing in yourself today,
wherever you are – whether you’re 27 and going through a heart wrenching
custody fight with your ex, or you’re 67 and fighting bitterly over property, or
you’re any age and not feeling super confident, </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>you can</i></b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> develop better self-esteem.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I have plenty of gray hair, “laugh lines”, </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">and</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> difficult life experiences to back
me up – I know what I’m talking about! Give me a call or email if you want to
talk about it </span><a href="mailto:karen@karenjusterhecht.net" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">karen@karenjusterhecht.net</a><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
OR 510.210.3796.</span></li>
</ul>
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<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-83085563506044025042018-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:002018-01-22T12:46:24.924-08:00The "Divorce Diet"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzjhCLTnG1322ZZkY8-CruREN5g9iitXXH6zxJMk72OUHVxd9hv3sLX3rtxftAhmUZvt9TJ9tyMuChDj4APM5A8LW18P1l0Vj1CtImMkzs6-QcRUuf6pNaK1FPHKWh93j2YlphPhV581s/s1600/How+Much+Do+You+Weigh.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1065" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzjhCLTnG1322ZZkY8-CruREN5g9iitXXH6zxJMk72OUHVxd9hv3sLX3rtxftAhmUZvt9TJ9tyMuChDj4APM5A8LW18P1l0Vj1CtImMkzs6-QcRUuf6pNaK1FPHKWh93j2YlphPhV581s/s320/How+Much+Do+You+Weigh.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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<b>A few months into my own divorce</b> my mother came up from Los
Angeles for a visit. She asked me why I was “so thin.” Her words weren’t
condemning but she was concerned. I have always been “thin” but clearly I had
gotten even smaller. I shrugged it off and happily told her about all of my
recent physical activity, thinking I was simply burning more calories. A few
months after my mother’s visit I ran into a former neighbor who exclaimed, “Oh,
you’ve been on the ‘Divorce Diet’!” I’d
never heard of such a thing – what was she talking about??<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fact
is, the “Divorce Diet” is a real phenomenon.
According to a recent New York Times article, it is caused by “stress, rage,
sadness, and (for some) a need to control any part of their lives…that hasn’t
fallen into complete chaos.” This seems
accurate and I was happy to see it in the news. Recently I saw a friend who is
divorcing and had lost a lot of weight. I mentioned the “diet” to her. She’d never heard of it. It made me think of
my surprise at hearing the term during my divorce and I realized that this is
one of those “nasty topics” that we don’t talk about, and we probably should. Talking
about it might help divorcing people to
pay a little closer attention when they start dropping pounds they’re not
intending (or wanting) to lose. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eating
properly is one of the most basic – and essential – things we can do to take
good care of ourselves. Especially during times of extreme stress…like a
divorce….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Resources:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/14/fashion/weddings/the-divorce-diet-losing-a-spouse-and-some-pounds-too.html" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/14/fashion/weddings/the-divorce-diet-losing-a-spouse-and-some-pounds-too.html</a></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><a href="https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/</a></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><a href="mailto:coaching@karenjusterhecht.net" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">coaching@karenjusterhecht.net</a></li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-70233092023613960562017-12-11T15:01:00.000-08:002017-12-11T15:01:22.656-08:00Positivity Blog: Reading List<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEj_YeNsPcHb3BN5egUN0BeAa3VEEcFiYn44G-FMmFNa9he7ZCnf5HUVWULct5hqU4xfQq2KySF7UHAgEW-CPJxiPwSbQjDseMKU2VAUhzAu3msIE7F4jBGiheXTAcA2upxI01yVvyMnQ/s1600/Work.misc.12.2017.forward.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEj_YeNsPcHb3BN5egUN0BeAa3VEEcFiYn44G-FMmFNa9he7ZCnf5HUVWULct5hqU4xfQq2KySF7UHAgEW-CPJxiPwSbQjDseMKU2VAUhzAu3msIE7F4jBGiheXTAcA2upxI01yVvyMnQ/s320/Work.misc.12.2017.forward.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<b>One of my good fortunes</b> is that I love to read. Reading brings me all sorts of pleasure,
expands my mind, takes me out of present realities of toothaches and worry,
transports me to worlds I don’t know about. I read before falling asleep,
mostly because as a practical matter, this is when I have time. Recently I was
thinking about the fact that whatever I’m reading sort of imprints on my brain
as I move from my conscious world into the sleep-world and I realized that although
I hadn’t actually planned to do so, one of the books I read before bed is
always about positive thinking. It is
Diana Nyad telling about her Cuba swim, being stung by deadly jellyfish (literally)
and somehow living – and continuing to swim! – by sheer will. It is Jen Sincero reminding us to ‘be the
badass we were born to be.’ Or Roz Savage writing about her more than one-hundred-day
solo row across the Atlantic. Or a myriad of other books….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can
choose to read and we can choose what we read. (In truth, I'm always reading
several books at a time and currently, in addition to these positive thinkers,
I am reading two James Baldwin books and a book of Lorraine Hansberry’s writings
– brilliant thinkers, positive in their own way, but also difficult, distasteful truths imparted.) <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b>So, here’s my positivity tip for today:</b> Choose to read at least one
“can do” book and if you can, read before you fall asleep. If you let it, you will receive these positive
messages into a deep part of your brain, which will improve even the most difficult
parts of your life, including your very pressing worries about your divorce,
your finances, the wellbeing of your children, etc….And like most of the things
I suggest: even if you don’t love it, it’s not going to hurt you so you might as well try it!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Resources:</u></b></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->your local library<b><u><o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]-->your local bookstore<b><u><o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->your own bookshelf</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 38.4pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<b>*</b> <b><span style="color: orange;">OR</span></b> feel free to email me for book suggestions -- <b><span style="color: orange;">guru@karenjusterhecht.net </span></b> </div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><br /></li>
</ul>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-62652780962230854572017-11-29T17:33:00.000-08:002017-11-29T17:33:08.413-08:00What Has Nature Done for You Lately??<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-2HuuZ7uSfIQd2Q-huzs4HcmaIEVT7TQVkfAJn2d8Q_rBN6ldC8ZvJcb_hg8UzYaGEV4x5gY7AWsDNDZyKAKzXbtqTkZiIAU7KQJNVfJGm_iSRhQ9KJUU_SYl-ITBmMg3xf-iEqmTVNY/s1600/DSC_0119.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-2HuuZ7uSfIQd2Q-huzs4HcmaIEVT7TQVkfAJn2d8Q_rBN6ldC8ZvJcb_hg8UzYaGEV4x5gY7AWsDNDZyKAKzXbtqTkZiIAU7KQJNVfJGm_iSRhQ9KJUU_SYl-ITBmMg3xf-iEqmTVNY/s320/DSC_0119.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> <b>"Go
take a hike"</b> -- you might want to say this (scream this?) to the partner
you are splitting up with. (Okay, let's
be honest, you might want to yell something much worse at the top of your
lungs....) If you both were to take this
advice, go out for a walk in nature, your divorce and custody proceedings would
probably go a lot easier. Science backs
up what we know intuitively -- when we are walking and breathing in nature, we
actually feel a lot better, calmer, and are helping our physical health as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Walking in
the woods is advocated by governmental agencies, at local, state, and
international levels. In Japan and Korea
there are "healing forests." The State of New York touts: "Think of it as a prescription with no negative side effects that's also free." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Being in a forest won't magically make your very difficult custody dispute or your frustrating fight over assets disappear, however, it almost certainly will help lower your blood pressure and calm your mind as you deal with these issues. I hope you try it -- if nothing else you will have spent a few minutes taking a break from your problems....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><u>Resources:</u></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">http://www.dec.ny.gov/lands/90720.html<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Century","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
</ul>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-35462812631947894972017-11-04T17:57:00.000-07:002017-11-04T17:57:40.772-07:00Positive Thought + Positive Action = Positive Reality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxalJjRtjSpAWCJAbFsqWauRaeIBh7_ZniRLWdYuzla6ml_b9b2d2coO6BOOz6iUJpUlVUdkMiDh-rOowLPRooIiP3B08idUMmH2bH6gyL30muhmAAwFXJHMGsmOegjVI33ucUmE27fco/s1600/IMG_1552.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxalJjRtjSpAWCJAbFsqWauRaeIBh7_ZniRLWdYuzla6ml_b9b2d2coO6BOOz6iUJpUlVUdkMiDh-rOowLPRooIiP3B08idUMmH2bH6gyL30muhmAAwFXJHMGsmOegjVI33ucUmE27fco/s320/IMG_1552.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
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<b>IT TURNS OUT WE</b><span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span>actually have the ability to use our
powerful brains to create positive outcomes, even in the face of seriously difficult
circumstances. Apparently our brains are
wired to hold onto negativity more easily than positive stimuli, <b><i>however,
we can change this wiring. Telling ourselves positive things helps our brains to
build more positive experiences.<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>Resources:<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/how-positive-thinking-re-wires-your-brain/<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>http://impacttheory.com/episode/wesley-chapman/<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/positive-neuroscience/<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-21865604712363305982017-07-18T19:35:00.000-07:002017-07-18T19:35:04.397-07:00On the Benefits of Smiling<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVJMnwwJINW3V64r-38s4Iv0k9BY9idSRB1ZHFckqZ9l1M6akJ6lvXzb6-yHYgUjRNdE2HCe35F_2v4YsRSmTuMUHCPI58lhbZVzz5S1HJ3GekqnFA7DQSqzDF-Zy6NNLSsTXU0gG6URc/s1600/Mom+at+Hilo+Botanical+Garden.10.2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1145" data-original-width="1600" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVJMnwwJINW3V64r-38s4Iv0k9BY9idSRB1ZHFckqZ9l1M6akJ6lvXzb6-yHYgUjRNdE2HCe35F_2v4YsRSmTuMUHCPI58lhbZVzz5S1HJ3GekqnFA7DQSqzDF-Zy6NNLSsTXU0gG6URc/s320/Mom+at+Hilo+Botanical+Garden.10.2012.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>(My Mom at Hilo Botanical Garden, 2012)</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>"Sometimes your joy
is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your
joy." ~Thich Nhat Hanh</b></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>YOU MIGHT ASK:</i> "Can we make ourselves smile and if so, why would
we?" It's a worthwhile
question. A few years ago (when I was in
the middle of a time that was not so easy or happy), I happened to read an
interview with Yoko Ono. She said that
after John was shot and killed, there were days she had to make herself
smile. She forced a smile because of her
son...she didn't want him to see her sad and frowning all the time. Smiling certainly didn't change the horrible
facts she was dealing with -- the murder of her husband, the loss to their
young son -- but it did change her reality.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am
not saying it's good (or even possible!) to ignore the difficult facts of our
lives -- whether they are in our personal lives or in our nation. Actually I think we <i>need</i> to acknowledge truths, even those that are not pleasant. (There are vast benefits from the truth -- and much that can be written -- see my future
blog post!) However, even in midst of the
bleakness that is sometimes the truth, it is possible to find a way to smile
and even a forced smile yields many benefits. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Some super
cool things that a smile does:<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">sends endorphins to your
brain</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">causes other people to
smile</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">changes your mood</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">changes your reality</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">changes the world</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">makes your face look more
beautiful</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seriously...try
it on for size! A little smile right now
as you're reading...another tomorrow when you're stuck in traffic...and again
the next day when you learn your ex is taking your kids to Paris....Make
yourself smile....("Smile though your heart is aching.../That's the time
you must keep trying/Smile, what's the use of crying/You'll find that life is
still worthwhile if you'll just smile...")</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Resources:</b></div>
<br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/08/smiling-benefits_n_6598840.html</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">http://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42-Smile-Lyrics</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">If you're interested, come
to my workshop on finding your joie de vivre even in the middle of your
difficult divorce.</li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-89835245251502032912017-06-17T15:38:00.000-07:002017-06-17T15:38:32.202-07:00Divorcing Peacefully <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4PEsnj5TvRx-3T_HCx8LER2fsfkvKtuMXICojo1ywaFdexOMrU5T3auXlM0IvL2vkaNoRwnrdeX6uIK_tpKhspLX91GuREQGxZGDrkmZ3iONEP2vxJFpsv50jl2bIdH4KABlUQUyCvdA/s1600/DSC_0175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4PEsnj5TvRx-3T_HCx8LER2fsfkvKtuMXICojo1ywaFdexOMrU5T3auXlM0IvL2vkaNoRwnrdeX6uIK_tpKhspLX91GuREQGxZGDrkmZ3iONEP2vxJFpsv50jl2bIdH4KABlUQUyCvdA/s320/DSC_0175.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Photo: Essaouira, Morocco May 2017</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>As a family law mediator and attorney,</b> I usually describe my
practice as "peaceful law."
This is often met with a somewhat incredulous smirk, followed by curiosity
as to just what is "peaceful law" in a divorce and further, does it
really happen??? The short answer is
that "yes," it can be done.
The longer reply is that it does take concentrated effort.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What is
"peaceful law"? In my law
practice (as well as in my life outside of family law and mediation), my
intention is to do no harm (or to put into crude parlance: to try not to be an
as___le). Obviously there are challenges
to this noble intention, especially in a hot divorce situation. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How to practice peaceful family law
when the other party's attorney is not (and is threatening to take my client to
court, threatening to remove children and assets, etc.)? Very challenging. And still, I believe that in most
circumstances, it is possible to practice peaceful family law. For example, various peacekeeping techniques
include: not threatening to file an RFO (Request for Order) every time the
parties/attorneys are in disagreement; not hitting reply on that nasty email
you've just written -- even when it's in reply to a nasty one received; taking
a break when tensions flare -- this can be done whether in person by stepping
out of the room or on the telephone by "taking a moment" or
suggesting the call be continued to the next day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In
family law mediation, sometimes it's necessary to allow the "un-peaceful"
stuff to be aired and as a mediator, I try to pay close attention to what is
being expressed and work toward getting the parties to hear each other. Most often during mediation when the parties
listen and acknowledge the feelings the other person has been having, they can then
work together to move forward in a peaceful manner. (It might sound too good to be true, but it
really does work!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Keeping
the peace also includes not fanning the fires of hurt and anger in my clients
by telling them they can "get" their ex by going to court. Instead by acknowledging my client's very real feelings, we can work together to respond from a reasonable and objective place. Again, I'll restate the obvious: these things
are not always easy in family law when emotions are raw and there are so many
serious life issues on the line.
However, the benefits to practicing peace as part of any family law
proceeding are huge -- financial and emotional.
Sure it takes some work, but so does practicing war and in the end, I
think given a choice, most people would choose peace....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Resources:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><i>There's even a WikiHow page on this topic:</i> http://www.wikihow.com/Divorce-As-Peacefully-As-Possible</li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><i>What parties can do to get peaceful:</i> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-lifshitz/how-to-have-a-peaceful-di_b_7216226.html</li>
</ul>
<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-13136037902352041462017-05-04T12:32:00.000-07:002017-05-04T12:32:03.968-07:00Getting Physical!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhboXUgKn-xlSt1aG5AfgVP9mCiFr_TNRXhXHckKgmrPfivSZDfN5bRJNsw_FseGqUOEHxrI7Kt6iKbYm3nnnq4pN3BzAAnhMKChzeyveg-IBnyLZrPR_bBjB3Yv_uEg7hDoYo0fuURNSw/s1600/El+Cap.01.2016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhboXUgKn-xlSt1aG5AfgVP9mCiFr_TNRXhXHckKgmrPfivSZDfN5bRJNsw_FseGqUOEHxrI7Kt6iKbYm3nnnq4pN3BzAAnhMKChzeyveg-IBnyLZrPR_bBjB3Yv_uEg7hDoYo0fuURNSw/s320/El+Cap.01.2016.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sometimes you just have to get physical.</b> Nothing else will do. Your body craves it; your soul needs it. Okay...I'm not talking about having sex
(although of course, humans -- women as well as men -- need that too). I'm talking about working out -- sweating out
those toxins, flooding your body with endorphins. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lots of
ways you can do it. When I'm not
swimming, my favorites include riding my very old (found for free on the curb)
stationary bike, interspersed with a little weight lifting, followed by a quick
sprint, closing with some of my preferred Yoga poses -- Warrior and Downward Dog and Tree. (Is it evident that I just had a good
workout??) A satisfying Yoga class in a
good studio can also work wonders. Some people
love Pilates. A bike ride is also fun
and satisfying. Lots of choices.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The
point is to do something, let the physical activity take over, let your brain
have a mind of its own without you controlling it, let the thoughts go wherever
they go. As you start working up a sweat,
you actually sweat out toxins, and magically while all this is happening, your
body becomes flooded with endorphins and other neurotransmitters. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When
you've finished, you feel like you could solve every single problem that the
world might have -- and if you're a concerned citizen and/or if you're going
through a messy or heart wrenching divorce, you have plenty of problems to
choose from. As a divorce attorney and
family law mediator, I can't guarantee you any results but I can pretty
reliably assure you that you will feel better, more centered, more balanced,
more able to handle whatever comes your way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Multiple
scientific studies show that in addition to working out tension, exercising
increases our resilience, which helps to sustain us, for example as we're going
through a long and difficult divorce. Exercising
also seems helpful in reducing extreme stress and also depression -- both
common for people going through a divorce.
To thrive during and after your divorce, I recommend:</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">regular exercise -- at
times pushing your physical limits</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">a good support network --
old friends, new friends, family</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">a great divorce attorney
and/or family law mediator -- a lawyer who listens to you and who you
trust</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Sources:<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-does-exercise-make-us-feel-good/<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/13/health/endorphins-exercise-cause-happiness/<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/06/how-exercise-shapes-you-far-beyond-the-gym.html<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span></i></b>Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-77960342972281571382017-04-02T12:50:00.000-07:002017-04-02T12:50:13.922-07:00P.S. from the Dalai Lama....<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVxtGkWfsU1N4wRNGrDYT-VbvTTzwHEHfMJbRohX4Q-uCGlyajJYSLnQo_DWC6Ov1WpRrLIR0PR3Fn8bjai-8LBfcp90z8clmMga7etWvhFfLdMDB2Go1p_oSoWhLPR0Ty0UOOk3Hm1o/s1600/blossom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVxtGkWfsU1N4wRNGrDYT-VbvTTzwHEHfMJbRohX4Q-uCGlyajJYSLnQo_DWC6Ov1WpRrLIR0PR3Fn8bjai-8LBfcp90z8clmMga7etWvhFfLdMDB2Go1p_oSoWhLPR0Ty0UOOk3Hm1o/s320/blossom.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<b>A few days after my last post, about bringing compassion into divorce</b> I read a passage from the Dalai Lama that seemed to exactly amplify my point. One of the many books I'm reading is "The Book of Joy", by the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams. In a chapter about "acceptance," the DL said:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
...Imagine that you are living next to a difficult neighbor. You can judge and criticize them. You can live in anxiety and despair that you will never have a good relationship with them. You can deny the problem or pretend that you do not have a difficult relationship...None of these is very helpful.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Instead, you can accept that your relationship...is difficult and that you would like to improve it. You may or may not succeed, but all you can do is try. You cannot control your neighbor, but you do have some control over your thoughts and feelings. Instead of anger, instead of hatred, instead of fear, you can cultivate compassion for them, you can cultivate kindness...This is the only chance to improve the relationship. In time, maybe they will become less difficult. Maybe not. This you cannot control, but you will have peace of mind. You will be able to be joyful and happy whether your neighbor becomes less difficult or not.</blockquote>
I get it -- your ex is not (usually) your neighbor. And "relationship" with your ex might sound like a stretch (although see my earlier blog post about this). If you can look a little deeper, the wisdom which the Dalai Lama is imparting is really useful whether it applies to a difficult neighbor or a difficult ex. Hopefully these words, from the mouth of the compassionate and wise DL, are helpful.<br />
<br />
<b>Source: "The Book of Joy" (ibid.)</b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</blockquote>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-46730039376966635572017-03-26T17:30:00.000-07:002017-03-26T17:30:34.618-07:00Bringing Compassion Into Your Divorce<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikby30rOphTUK-1Oa1XKLKcksZAFV8b7TSka3fN6v1FGU5R0iNaR0Y_bMgZXWuQZm1Z4zYrFKqoxr12o8XqT-jNEdTM-jWF1lwQeIyUQy2msCLUx_KerL0HxNgQkk-9iBO5oV6AE5F7z0/s1600/DSC_0020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikby30rOphTUK-1Oa1XKLKcksZAFV8b7TSka3fN6v1FGU5R0iNaR0Y_bMgZXWuQZm1Z4zYrFKqoxr12o8XqT-jNEdTM-jWF1lwQeIyUQy2msCLUx_KerL0HxNgQkk-9iBO5oV6AE5F7z0/s320/DSC_0020.JPG" width="212" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
<b><span style="color: #0070c0;"> Although it may be quite difficult, I highly recommend
bringing compassion into your divorce.</span></b> You can start by having compassion for
yourself. Acknowledge that you are going
through a really big change and it is likely you are feeling some sadness and
some confusion, maybe some anger, maybe some joy. It is a time of big emotions. Take care of yourself, be understanding to
yourself. Even if you find yourself
engaging in conduct that you're not so happy about, see if you can make a decision
to change those behaviors , and then give yourself a pass for your past
conduct. You can give yourself TLC while
still facing up to your "flaws" because we are human beings and we
all have flaws....</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
Which
leads to thoughts of your ex...after you get the hang of self-compassion, try
to find that same compassion you have been showing to yourself, and work to
cultivate it toward your divorcing ex. Yes,
that's what I said -- show compassion and empathy toward your ex. If you can do this, some benefits include: </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">reducing negativity in your life </span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">using your energy for your positive actions </span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">your compassion toward your ex might be
reciprocated</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">if you have children, by showing compassion
toward your ex, you will help your children to be able to feel loving toward both their parents</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">by cultivating compassion toward someone who you
might not like so well, you are giving yourself a tremendous learning
opportunity</span></li>
<li>·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">if you are still working out the details of your
split, through litigation, mediation, or on your own, you and your ex can begin
to trust each other's communication, which will help move you forward while
also keeping the peace</span></li>
</ul>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<o:p> </o:p><i>Please note: </i>I am not saying that if your
ex is abusive you should take it; however, even in an abusive situation, it is
possible to show compassion without condoning or "taking" the
abuse. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<b><u>Resources:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/pdf_files/compassion_divorce_sallan.pdf<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->http://alwayswellwithin.com/2014/05/11/compassion-dislike/<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_self_compassion_can_help_you_through_divorce<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-72099769184352134682017-02-12T11:53:00.000-08:002017-02-12T11:53:37.282-08:00Appreciations <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd4egBbA6QJlhp_Fslq5GAsMqUcpvIpQXFmpFCp-x3CSoRg0qctSYC6Nq_bOyzRIQfSxlsXgG0rJoAsbG7r43-g8jh25TjY52-R50bEwhEp_VheUFBwdSiDCHuQgfbpyiW0mLIa2MJL2w/s1600/Hawaii+2012+870.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd4egBbA6QJlhp_Fslq5GAsMqUcpvIpQXFmpFCp-x3CSoRg0qctSYC6Nq_bOyzRIQfSxlsXgG0rJoAsbG7r43-g8jh25TjY52-R50bEwhEp_VheUFBwdSiDCHuQgfbpyiW0mLIa2MJL2w/s320/Hawaii+2012+870.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> It's embarrassing </b>how long it's been since my last blog post. I have good reasons, of course (we usually do). I have started many posts (which should be an
article on its own), and I've procrastinated quite a bit (which should definitely
be the subject of another difficult to write post). And I've also been busy developing my work
(excellent in-depth mediation training -- which I would love to write about!).
Perhaps most importantly, I've also been engaging in some very important work
for my clients.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although
I've frequently been asked, I don't have a "testimonials" section on
my website. In large part this is
because my line of work is often very sensitive and personal and I never want
to intrude on my clients' privacy in any way.
(Also, with admiration and respect to all my fellow attorneys, it might not the first trait you think of to describe an attorney, but
in truth I am pretty modest and don't often put myself into the spotlight.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having
said that, I would like to share part of my experience because when my clients
tell me how much they have been helped by my work and how much they appreciate
me, it makes me feel very very happy and reminds me of exactly why I do the work
I do. So...in part as an explanation of
why my last blog post was so long ago and in part just because I'd like to
share the light I have been receiving, this is some of what I've heard from
clients over the last few months of intense work:</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">Your work was
indispensable to me</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Thank you so much, you're
the best attorney, ever</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Thank you -- you did a
great job</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">I couldn't have done this
without you</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a
public way (while also retaining client privacy), I want to say a big thank you
to my clients. You make my work so very
worthwhile and my work enables me to keep growing and learning and enjoying my
life....</div>
Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-53329229773882235732016-10-03T19:48:00.000-07:002016-10-03T19:48:21.362-07:00"Stop Crying, You're Pissing off the Judge" -- Why the Court System Doesn't Work for Family Law<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR25depBVpQq3n6GCPApIZ9cKTGREXV_Ux1FZY8z-AhbUIvot33-fPi8LSwMpgwTtd6UB-7JIjMj_iE3timfZbsZIDKkOwwlBOqEbVzj-AWeEhu1UR_39jCI9cOAg15fQtXL68BKzA_h8/s1600/IMG_9979.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR25depBVpQq3n6GCPApIZ9cKTGREXV_Ux1FZY8z-AhbUIvot33-fPi8LSwMpgwTtd6UB-7JIjMj_iE3timfZbsZIDKkOwwlBOqEbVzj-AWeEhu1UR_39jCI9cOAg15fQtXL68BKzA_h8/s320/IMG_9979.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<b><i>Most divorces do not belong in court. </i></b> That might sound controversial, especially
coming from someone who has spent most of her professional life as a litigator. I think I shocked myself when I first started
thinking along these lines. But really,
when you think about it, even the name sounds incongruous. "Family" -- as in a cohesive, loving, unit -- "Court" -- as in
litigants, combatants, <i>adversarials</i>....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Briefly,
divorces are handled in the courts because historically the issues involved
property and power transfers, first of a woman to her husband's family and also
relating to whether a child was "legitimate" and could inherit
property. As one commentator aptly
noted: "the framers of family court probably could
not have fathomed it would become a tribunal for every family related dispute
as it exists today." ["History of Family Court" by Effie Belou] Modern life and culture have changed. Women are no longer chattel. Women no longer have to go to court in order
to exercise control over their finances and their lives. But for the most part, we are stuck in
history -- still stuck in court for divorces and its related issues.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of
course, with the <i>caveat </i>that this is <i>just my opinion (that's a perk of writing a
blog!) -- </i>Here's why "family court" doesn't work: </div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">emotions are way too high
-- about as high as you can get -- you used to be in love, he/she hurt you
terribly, and now you are thrust into the "rational" --
non-emotional -- court system and supposed to magically have all the
emotions disappear; </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">the family law court
system embodies the litigation system, litigation is adversarial -- very
adversarial -- which is the antithesis of what you need when you are
trying to deal with love gone bad and children caught in the crossfire. Indeed, even referring to the divorcing
spouses as "litigants" ups the ante and puts people in a
defensive mode instead of a conciliatory mode, (which is much more
conducive to effectuating the split and helping the parties to move
forward with their lives); </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">going to court takes a
long time and litigation fans the fires instead of helping things to calm
down and move forward -- and it eats up a lot of the parties' money, which
is already stretched by things like suddenly supporting two households,
counseling, attorneys' fees, etc.; </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">the majority of judges are
good, competent, caring people, however, they are usually over-worked and
don't have a lot of time to try to learn about all of the relevant factors
which would go into a good decision, and even if they could, they are
strangers trying to come up with solutions to very personal issues; </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">although judges make
rulings on issues where they have to, I have never met a judge who likes
to make thorny custody rulings, such as whether one parent has the right
to move with the child out of the area; these are Solomonic decisions
which are difficult enough for the loving parents to make, let alone a
stranger, (the judge); </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">litigation is financially
and emotionally very costly -- attorneys' fees, expert fees, court fees, rehashing issues over and over, parsing
through this wrongdoing and that while trying to come up with ways to win
in court -- which often leaves clients feeling drained;</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">you may think you have a
"winning cause", or your attorney may tell you that you will
"win for sure" but the truth is, <i>nobody can guarantee how a judge will rule</i> -- no outcome is
guaranteed.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The
great thing is that for most family dissolution cases, there are
alternatives! In most cases (for the
inverse of the reasons stated above), I think it is in the best interests of
all parties involved if they can reach a mutually acceptable resolution outside
of the courthouse. In this way, they can
be a part of the solution instead of having a judge (a stranger) tell them what
to do. (And truly, I can't count the
number of times I've heard parents say that neither of them agreed with the
court ordered custody plan!)</div>
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A multitude
of approaches offer alternatives to knock down drag out litigation. Some possibilities include:</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal">having the parties talk
with each other and come to decisions together, filling out the paperwork
and representing themselves -- and most counties have decent family law
self-help resources;</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">agreeing that one party
will retain an attorney to help effectuate the dissolution, the terms of
which are agreed to by both parties;</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">both parties making a
commitment to working with a mediator to resolve any issues that are prickly
and can't be resolved by the parties without a neutral third party;</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">working with attorneys who
try to resolve disputes as a first approach before marching straight into
court.</li>
</ul>
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I'm not
saying that there isn't a place for judicial involvement in divorces. To be sure, in areas of actual and deliberate
malfeasance, the tools of the court system may be necessary and can provide
some effective solutions. Overall, I
think family law participants would be much better served if the "court route"
were the last resort instead of the normal first step.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
**<i>A note on the title.</i> I actually
witnessed a seasoned family law attorney tell her client "Stop crying --
you're pissing off the judge." The
source of the client's quiet tears? In
an extremely abusive and difficult situation, the judge had just ordered the crying
client not to respond to her children's calls for help. Whether or not the judge had a valid reason
for the order, the client had a valid reason for crying. However, there was no
space for crying inside the courtroom. Most
judges are ill-equipped to deal with on outpouring of feelings -- they are
judges, not counselors....</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Resources:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
https://www.britannica.com/topic/family-law</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.parentsinaction.net/english/Family_Court/History%20of%20Family%20Court.htm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/podcast_monthly_episode_59</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/divorce-without-court</div>
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<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552248377407708995.post-5168607830120941652016-09-06T15:26:00.000-07:002016-09-06T15:26:37.816-07:00Choosing -- AND KEEPING -- Your Attorney<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4u0mz3rAhyphenhyphenc6FyhXEC0mNBlj_Ri7KQN498nYlsBcoZZHFAkqKnQ5TWkgjrr8cPRdI_ivFB5lTfgkpJvPRYD4MsCHdOsfiCOh62nOkt-ejtl7faITRSdu3cP4sMRmtptRKLH5TCgvlQvU/s1600/labyrinth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4u0mz3rAhyphenhyphenc6FyhXEC0mNBlj_Ri7KQN498nYlsBcoZZHFAkqKnQ5TWkgjrr8cPRdI_ivFB5lTfgkpJvPRYD4MsCHdOsfiCOh62nOkt-ejtl7faITRSdu3cP4sMRmtptRKLH5TCgvlQvU/s320/labyrinth.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Unfortunately</b>, sometimes the attorney-client relationship is
not so happy and a high percentage of people who hire a family law attorney end
up with a different attorney before their divorce is finalized. The attorney-client relationship, especially
in an emotionally charged situation like a divorce, can have its ups and downs
-- not to mention, sideways, backwards,
and upside down. This can be difficult
for a person whose life is already changing radically with the ending of their
marital relationship. Additionally, it adds
extra expense -- if you hire a new attorney, he or she will need to review the
file, (which is often volumes of documents and emails and conversations and
court hearings, etc.), in order to effectively take on your
representation. This review can take many
hours of work by the new attorney and it's likely that at least a portion of
which will be charged to the client.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because switching
attorneys is costly (and can also be emotionally jarring), it's a good idea to
choose your attorney carefully before you sign the agreement and pay the
retainer deposit. It can seem like
there's a fire drill emergency and that you need to hire an attorney
immediately (and in some cases, this is true), but usually it is best to be
careful and make deliberate choices. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A good
place to begin is to gather some names of attorneys you may be interested
in. Ask friends, family, colleagues for
referrals. You can also contact the
local bar association or various online referral sites (such as NOLO Press). Even if your best friend has recommended
someone, it is a good idea to contact several attorneys and either speak with
them over the phone or go into their office to meet in person (although beware
as many attorneys charge a consultation fee if you go into their office to
meet). Even without a formal consultation,
you can gain much insight about the prospective attorney by how they
communicate with you. Another source of
information is the attorney's website or other online information. Make sure that the attorney you are
considering has the same approach that you do -- for example, if you and your
"ex" agree on most everything, look for an attorney who will help you
come to a settlement, not an attorney who promises to fight to the death in
court. Think about what issues may arise
for you and your ex -- for example
complicated division of assets or a joint business venture, or custody issues,
etc. -- and then see if the prospective attorney has experience in these areas.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I often
recommend that people choose an attorney who they can envision getting bad news
from -- because in most cases, there will be some "bad news,"
something that doesn't go the way the client expects. Hire someone you think you can trust -- do
your homework and then trust your gut. Try
to think of being in a long-term relationship with this attorney -- keep in
mind that even in the best case scenario, it will take the California statutory
minimum of six months plus one day before your divorce is finalized and many
divorces can stretch on for a couple of years.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The
bottom line is that whatever methodology you utilize, do take some careful
steps before you make up your mind and sign on the dotted line. This is likely to be one of the most
important decisions you will make in your divorce. And once you make a decision, try to have
faith in your choice and in your attorney and try to remember there is a light
at the end of the tunnel.... </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Resources:<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/top_10_questions_to_ask_a_prospective_divorce_attorney</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.aaml.org/library/publications/415/divorce-manual-client-handbook/5-selecting-divorce-lawyer</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/02/divorce-lawyer-advice_n_4661934.html</div>
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<br />Karen Juster Hechthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04693113700526115371noreply@blogger.com1