Depending on what stage of your divorce you're in or what
kind of day you've had -- or "what kind" of divorce you're in -- you
might want to call me crazy if you heard me saying that you and your ex are
"in a relationship." And I get
that -- but really, you are. Dictionary
definitions of "relationship" describe it as the state of "being
connected" and it is the "way people
regard and behave toward each other."
The
truth is, especially if you have kids, you and your ex are going to be
"connected" for a long, long, time.
Even if you don't have kids together, during the period of the divorce
-- which unfortunately often drags on for a what can seem like forever -- you
will be connected with your ex while the issues of your dissolution (the
divorce) are resolved. The nature of
your relationship has undoubtedly changed -- the parameters are not the same --
but you are still "connected" and you are still communicating and
engaging in behaviors with each other and which affect each other. While I am not suggesting that your ex is
still your best friend -- maybe she/he will be or maybe not -- I am saying that
it's a good idea to nurture the "relationship" and make conscious
choices...just like in any relationship.
An important
aspect of any relationship is good communication. We usually speak with our "besties"
in a respectful way, conscious of their feelings, even if we are expressing
something difficult. The same holds true
when communicating with divorcing spouses.
It doesn't have to mean that you still like/love/enjoy/trust/etc. that
person -- in most divorces, even if exes eventually become "friends",
there is usually a period of being "anti-friends." Probably there are times when you are not
seeing eye to eye. At all. In most divorces there are major, important,
disagreements -- about custody schedules and custody support and spousal
support and who gets to stay in the family home and who gets to keep the dining
room table that you both lovingly picked out every piece of wood for, etc. Etc.
And
still...what I am suggesting is that even in the really tough times, if you
work to keep the relationship and the communication respectful, you will feel
better and things -- even the terrifically difficult issues -- will get
resolved a lot easier.
Addendum:
- Good communication tips: utilize non-aggressive language and body posture; take deep breaths and hit the "pause" button if you need to in the middle of any communication;
- I'm not saying this is always easy; I'm not saying that sometimes you aren't dealing with Satan on the other side (future blog post: "Parenting with Satan").