Photo: Essaouira, Morocco May 2017
As a family law mediator and attorney, I usually describe my
practice as "peaceful law."
This is often met with a somewhat incredulous smirk, followed by curiosity
as to just what is "peaceful law" in a divorce and further, does it
really happen??? The short answer is
that "yes," it can be done.
The longer reply is that it does take concentrated effort.
What is
"peaceful law"? In my law
practice (as well as in my life outside of family law and mediation), my
intention is to do no harm (or to put into crude parlance: to try not to be an
as___le). Obviously there are challenges
to this noble intention, especially in a hot divorce situation.
How to practice peaceful family law
when the other party's attorney is not (and is threatening to take my client to
court, threatening to remove children and assets, etc.)? Very challenging. And still, I believe that in most
circumstances, it is possible to practice peaceful family law. For example, various peacekeeping techniques
include: not threatening to file an RFO (Request for Order) every time the
parties/attorneys are in disagreement; not hitting reply on that nasty email
you've just written -- even when it's in reply to a nasty one received; taking
a break when tensions flare -- this can be done whether in person by stepping
out of the room or on the telephone by "taking a moment" or
suggesting the call be continued to the next day.
In
family law mediation, sometimes it's necessary to allow the "un-peaceful"
stuff to be aired and as a mediator, I try to pay close attention to what is
being expressed and work toward getting the parties to hear each other. Most often during mediation when the parties
listen and acknowledge the feelings the other person has been having, they can then
work together to move forward in a peaceful manner. (It might sound too good to be true, but it
really does work!)
Keeping
the peace also includes not fanning the fires of hurt and anger in my clients
by telling them they can "get" their ex by going to court. Instead by acknowledging my client's very real feelings, we can work together to respond from a reasonable and objective place. Again, I'll restate the obvious: these things
are not always easy in family law when emotions are raw and there are so many
serious life issues on the line.
However, the benefits to practicing peace as part of any family law
proceeding are huge -- financial and emotional.
Sure it takes some work, but so does practicing war and in the end, I
think given a choice, most people would choose peace....
Resources:
- There's even a WikiHow page on this topic: http://www.wikihow.com/Divorce-As-Peacefully-As-Possible
- What parties can do to get peaceful: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-lifshitz/how-to-have-a-peaceful-di_b_7216226.html