Emergency Response Plan
Not wanting to add gasoline to the
divorce fire, I hate to use the words “emergency” and “divorce” in the same conversation. However, my mission in life is to help and
sometimes that means straight talking about stuff that people don’t want to
hear. So, with that warning, here’s my
advice: You need to write an “Emergency
Response Plan” as part of your divorce! The data proves that those who have an
emergency plan are more likely to survive a disaster and while I’m not exactly
saying that divorces are like disasters, there are definitely some parallels….If
you have your plan, when “stuff happens” and your emotions are flaring (which
often means you’re reacting instead of thinking), you can follow your plan
instead of screaming at your ex in front of your children, or throwing a cast
iron pan, or any number of things that normal angry people might do…and then
later regret….
During a divorce (which could start long
before the word “DIVORCE!” is uttered and keep going all the way through the
final decree and way beyond – sometimes a whole lifetime if there are lingering
issues), it’s pretty certain that at least one “emergency” will pop up. Maybe money
is withheld, or you learn that your ex is about to take a great vacation with
your children and the new love interest, or a judge “unexpectedly” rules
against you, etc., etc. There are a
bunch of things that could easily ignite a trigger. I’m guessing that everyone
reading this could tell me about some horrific button-pushing-divorce-emergency.
You
can’t plan for everything; however, you can have a general plan to fall back on
when the going gets super rough so that when it does (because at some point, it
will), instead of retaliating, you can calmly do what you need to do. I promise you that no matter how livid you get
when the “emergency” hits you, your interests will be much better served if you
can stick with a measured response. Trust
me, notwithstanding how angry and justified you feel in the moment, a judge
reading about it later will probably see it differently. There’s also the reverberating emotional
baggage that you (and your children) will carry from an angry outburst.
And after the heat has passed, as you
continue on with your life, you will feel better if you have used your “Emergency
Response Plan” instead of reacting in the moment. Anger begets anger – no matter how great it
might feel at the time (to lash out), feeding the fire of anger only leads to
more anger. Before you get to that
point, try to focus on how you want to feel – do you want to feel hopping mad
or do you want to feel blissful and content?
There is a time and place for
anger, though it’s much better if it can be directed to an appropriate channel.
In my Divorce Wellness work, I coach clients to focus on their wellness and help
them to take steps to build it.
Hopefully you’re now convinced that
Emergency Preparedness is a fundamental part of Divorce Wellness and you’re
ready to try it. Here’s some ideas to help you get started:
- · In a quiet time, think about your trigger points, write them down, remind yourself that when triggered, you will utilize your Emergency Response Plan
- · Write down a list of friends and family who you can call, text, hang out with when necessary to vent (and use this with care so that loved ones don’t get burned out)
- · Think of activities that self-sooth you (these are individual for each person so my suggestions may not do it for you and that’s okay – think about your own self-soothers). Possibilities: yoga, running, swimming, walking, singing, dancing, washing dishes, gardening, etc., etc. (Recently I dragged my grumpy friend to a plant nursery, a magical couple acres in the middle of the city – we were both blown away at how wonderful it felt to walk through the aisles of beautiful lush little plants – I highly recommend!)
- · Educate yourself about the different ways of obtaining a divorce – e.g., “do it yourself,” mediation, litigation – to decide which method will work best for you
- · Always try to practice self-TLC (tender loving care) – it’s okay if you blow it and blow up sometimes! We are all human beings and not perfect so if you fall off your plan once in a while, please give yourself a pass and move on….
RESOURCES:
- · https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/19/smarter-living/how-to-turn-toxic-emotions-into-positive-actions.html
- · Contact me if you want to talk about your Divorce Wellness and creating the new normal that makes you happy – karen@karenjusterhecht.net OR 510.210.3796