Newsflash: that
person who you used to be madly in love with has not actually turned into the
Devil. Your ex is a human being and all
people have better and worse days and are not so nice at times. This is especially true during a divorce. From what I have seen (and I have seen a
lot), divorce can bring out the worst in people. Seriously, the ever loving worst. I once read a piece written by a very
seasoned divorce attorney from New York who wrote -- I'm paraphrasing -- something
like: Divorce brings out the worst in nice people and makes mean people look
like the Devil.
It is
not a happy time. Volumes have been
written about the most common and difficult types of life transitions. Breakup of a marriage is always toward the
top of the list, along with death of a loved one and financial troubles. In a way, divorce incorporates these other
major transitions in that it is the "death of a relationship" and for
the majority of divorcing people, financial health takes a hit.
And it
is not only the exes who become intolerable -- lots of people look at
themselves (at a point when the hurt and anger and frustration have died down
and is replaced by a little more objectivity) and realize they don't like the
person they became during their divorce.
Like I said, divorce really does bring out the worst in people....
A relevant
article in "Psychology Today" evoked Maslow's ranking of human needs
to say that in divorce, every basic human need is challenged and therefore, it
is human to act out aggressively against these threats.
Of
course, my purpose in writing this piece isn't to justify anyone being a jerk
or to make anyone feel bad for being a jerk themselves. I am writing to shine light on this
phenomenon that happens, to acknowledge that divorce can often trigger the
"jerk response", and to suggest that if you catch yourself thinking
your ex is an a----le, or berating yourself for being a bad person, take a deep
breath and try to remember we are all capable of becoming the Devil and
thankfully it is usually a temporary condition.
Of course, when that condition in your ex doesn't dissipate, it's good
to rely on your trusty attorney to deal with the mess....
~~
Citations:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/why-are-divorcing-people-often-jerks
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-berkley-esq/the-sounds-of-divorce_b_3064705.html
