Setting AND Keeping Personal Boundaries

Good personal boundaries are elementary...right?  Involved in all relationships...right?  Yes, I think so!  And it is a little shocking to know that so many of us routinely violate what seems like a fundamental cornerstone to all healthy relationships....The issue is pervasive and affects people in all marital and ending-marital relationships, as well as being a part of the interactions between parents and children and employees and co-workers and friends, and even in exchanges with strangers, etc., etc. 

            Setting and maintaining good personal boundaries becomes absolutely imperative when people are divorcing.  If you aren't yet convinced, here's some really great, basic, things that can be achieved when we set personal boundaries:

• We can act, instead of reacting, we can direct ourselves and stop feeling like we are victims
• As we utilize the boundaries that we have decided on, we can change the entire dynamic of relationships -- treat yourself with more respect and others around you will treat you with more respect  -- voila, it's like magic!
• We empower ourselves by building our self-respect which creates a domino effect to pave the way for other positive things that we can achieve

            I recently read a brief article on "Upworthy" about planning for the future.  It hit me that several of the suggestions are directly applicable to setting good personal boundaries.  With my (slight)  modifications to the boundary setting context, the "Upworthy" tips include:

·        Take responsibility for all of your choices -- although many factors are beyond your control, own the choices you make and let that guide you

·        Remain flexible -- if you have set a boundary and it is routinely being broken, it might be time to re-examine and re-frame the boundary

·        Remember that not everything will turn out exactly how you planned but moving forward with intention, keeping your ideals in mind, will help you reach your ultimate goal

            It might not feel "natural" to set and enforce good personal boundaries, in which case, try to think of it as a job, a task to be accomplished.  Consider making a checklist to get started and then stick with it!  It might help to:

• envision having a "personal bubble" around you and then work to keep this area free and clear
• think about personal interactions that don't feel good (i.e., someone saying negative things about you, someone getting too physically close, etc.)...
• and then think about ways you can keep the negative behavior out of your "bubble" -- for example, if someone is being verbally abusive, keep your focus on being calm and making one simple declaration "If you continue to use those words (that tone, etc.) with me, I am going to walk away/hang up" -- and then you need to follow through....

           And as with everything, be persistent.  Don't give up even in the face of some setbacks.  Believe in yourself and your ability to create and maintain good personal boundaries.  You are the keeper of your boundary lines.  Don't expect that someone else will enforce your boundaries.  It is up to you to set the stage and once you do, you will find the power.  

"The most common way people give up their power is

by thinking they don’t have any...."  Alice Walker

Sources and Resources: 

• http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/setting-personal-boundaries/
• http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/
• http://www.upworthy.com/time-waits-for-no-one-how-can-you-make-sure-you-live-the-life-you-want-to-live?c=mail1&u=ce50be01a76129352e62f54b00e5ffafb6186176

The Different Faces of Domestic Violence

               It is difficult to write this article.  It is a difficult topic.  Distasteful.  Ugly.  Sad.  We are more used to keeping this topic in the dark than willingly discussing it...which is exactly why we need to shine the light.  There are many articles that need to be written -- and that need to be read -- about domestic violence.  This short piece briefly touches on the people behind the labels.

               There are a range of "victims" and a whole array of "perpetrators."  Most reported domestic violence is done by men against women; this isn't to say the vice-versa doesn't exist but it isn't as common (studies have put the number at 85% male to female violence).  Domestic violence happens across religions -- Jews, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, etc.  Often domestic abuse is under-reported.  Maybe in part we don't see it because we don't want to look....

               Most estimates concur that domestic violence occurs in 15% to 30% of all relationships.  Accurate numbers are hard to come by because of under-reporting and inaccurate reporting and inconsistent definitions.  We do know that domestic abuse occurs across the general population.  Whites, Blacks, Latinos, Asians, etc.  Rich, poor, and everything in between.  Its victims and perpetrators can be PhD. educated or lacking in formal schooling.  Young or old.  Domestic violence does not pick favorites.  (Many in this field refer to reported cases as the tip of the iceberg, believing that most cases actually go unreported.)

               Under the Family Code in California, domestic violence includes:  hitting and threatening, and does not need to involve physical contact, although of course it often does; it can include verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse;  see, e.g., Family Code § 6320.

               Recently a young woman was beaten by her boyfriend and the photographs ignited a conversation with the hashtag "SilenceHidesViolence" that has "gone viral".  In the last couple years awareness has been increasing. 

                I am not suggesting that domestic abuse is everywhere and unfortunately sometimes people call the police, file for a restraining order, make accusations, when there is no domestic violence.  Sometimes calling the cops is used as a weapon against the "other side" -- but comparatively, these cases are not the norm.  What I am suggesting is that we remain aware and open minded so we can see that domestic abuse can and does occur across all religious, ethnic, socio-economic, geographic, etc., etc., boundaries.  I have written this article to highlight the fact that domestic violence can touch your neighbor, your clergy, your professor, the clerk in your corner market, yourself...and by shining a light I hope we can help people come forward, get help, make things better...one family at a time....

References:

http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-domesticviolence.htm

https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html

http://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/0/subID/286/About-Perpetrators-of-Domestic-Violence/

http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/amajorpublichealthissue.pdf

http://jcada.org/www/docs/4

http://jech.bmj.com/content/58/7/536.full

Not 100% Devil....

              Newsflash:  that person who you used to be madly in love with has not actually turned into the Devil.  Your ex is a human being and all people have better and worse days and are not so nice at times.  This is especially true during a divorce.  From what I have seen (and I have seen a lot), divorce can bring out the worst in people.  Seriously, the ever loving worst.  I once read a piece written by a very seasoned divorce attorney from New York who wrote -- I'm paraphrasing -- something like: Divorce brings out the worst in nice people and makes mean people look like the Devil. 

               It is not a happy time.  Volumes have been written about the most common and difficult types of life transitions.  Breakup of a marriage is always toward the top of the list, along with death of a loved one and financial troubles.  In a way, divorce incorporates these other major transitions in that it is the "death of a relationship" and for the majority of divorcing people, financial health takes a hit.

               And it is not only the exes who become intolerable -- lots of people look at themselves (at a point when the hurt and anger and frustration have died down and is replaced by a little more objectivity) and realize they don't like the person they became during their divorce.  Like I said, divorce really does bring out the worst in people....

               A relevant article in "Psychology Today" evoked Maslow's ranking of human needs to say that in divorce, every basic human need is challenged and therefore, it is human to act out aggressively against these threats.

               Of course, my purpose in writing this piece isn't to justify anyone being a jerk or to make anyone feel bad for being a jerk themselves.  I am writing to shine light on this phenomenon that happens, to acknowledge that divorce can often trigger the "jerk response", and to suggest that if you catch yourself thinking your ex is an a----le, or berating yourself for being a bad person, take a deep breath and try to remember we are all capable of becoming the Devil and thankfully it is usually a temporary condition.  Of course, when that condition in your ex doesn't dissipate, it's good to rely on your trusty attorney to deal with the mess....

~~

Citations:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/why-are-divorcing-people-often-jerks

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-berkley-esq/the-sounds-of-divorce_b_3064705.html

Your Relationship with Your Ex -- Good Communication

               Depending on what stage of your divorce you're in or what kind of day you've had -- or "what kind" of divorce you're in -- you might want to call me crazy if you heard me saying that you and your ex are "in a relationship."  And I get that -- but really, you are.  Dictionary definitions of "relationship" describe it as the state of "being connected"  and it is the "way people regard and behave toward each other."

               The truth is, especially if you have kids, you and your ex are going to be "connected" for a long, long, time.  Even if you don't have kids together, during the period of the divorce -- which unfortunately often drags on for a what can seem like forever -- you will be connected with your ex while the issues of your dissolution (the divorce) are resolved.  The nature of your relationship has undoubtedly changed -- the parameters are not the same -- but you are still "connected" and you are still communicating and engaging in behaviors with each other and which affect each other.  While I am not suggesting that your ex is still your best friend -- maybe she/he will be or maybe not -- I am saying that it's a good idea to nurture the "relationship" and make conscious choices...just like in any relationship.

               An important aspect of any relationship is good communication.  We usually speak with our "besties" in a respectful way, conscious of their feelings, even if we are expressing something difficult.  The same holds true when communicating with divorcing spouses.  It doesn't have to mean that you still like/love/enjoy/trust/etc. that person -- in most divorces, even if exes eventually become "friends", there is usually a period of being "anti-friends."  Probably there are times when you are not seeing eye to eye.  At all.  In most divorces there are major, important, disagreements -- about custody schedules and custody support and spousal support and who gets to stay in the family home and who gets to keep the dining room table that you both lovingly picked out every piece of wood for, etc. Etc.

               And still...what I am suggesting is that even in the really tough times, if you work to keep the relationship and the communication respectful, you will feel better and things -- even the terrifically difficult issues -- will get resolved a lot easier.

               Addendum:

1. Good communication tips: utilize non-aggressive language and body posture;  take deep breaths and hit the "pause" button if you need to in the middle of any communication;
2. I'm not saying this is always easy; I'm not saying that sometimes you aren't dealing with Satan on the other side (future blog post: "Parenting with Satan").

Keeping Legal Fees Down

               Maybe it's just me, but I haven't really met too many people who like to pay legal fees.  I get it -- legal bills can run into a lot of money and there are few tangible results -- no shiny car, no new stereo system, no sparkling teeth -- nothing to show that you can wrap your hands around.  I also know that sometimes it might seem like there has been very little work done, although from an attorney's perspective, there is actually a heck of a lot of work that doesn't even get billed.  I never bill my clients for all those hours I spend in the middle of the night, fretting about their children, or their assets, or their emotional well-being.  I try to keep my clients' bills as low as possible (and I'm sure most attorneys follow this practice) and still, legal fees can add up fast.  Lawyers and clients can work together to help keep fees down. 

               All those phone calls and emails add up -- Although my clients always see "no charge" items on their invoices, I do have to charge for some of the time I spend answering their phone calls and emails.  I have a big heart and I do care about my clients but I also try to remind them that if they're contacting me, it might go onto their bill.  One way to keep the bill down -- think before you send that email or make that call to your attorney and maybe don't do it.

               Another way to keep the bills down is to resolve some disputes with your ex without involving your attorney.  It is similar to parenting -- choose your battles.  It might be possible to negotiate a change in the schedule, or to express your frustration that your kids always seem to come back to your house with dirty laundry, by communicating directly with your ex rather than contacting your attorney, who then contacts the other attorney, who then speaks with your ex.  If you can cut out the middleman/woman -- i.e., the attorneys -- you can save money. 

               I always encourage my clients to let me know if they have any questions or concerns -- and I mean it.  I want them to feel comfortable with the work that is being done on their behalf and with the process.  A client recently thanked me profusely for explaining things to her -- this made me feel happy and proud to be in my profession.  There is a fine line, however, between asking questions so that you can understand the process and asking questions because you are second guessing and back seat driving.  I have had clients who have gone back and forth as to whether they wanted to save money by representing themselves or having me represent them, and clients who are so worried about their situations that they've asked me -- repeatedly -- about my "strategies".  I try to stay with them, to answer every question and to do it patiently.  And I "no charge" a lot of this communication, however, these kinds of queries are time consuming and I can't "no charge" all of it.  I get it -- like I said, this is a "fine line" area -- but still, I hate to see a client spending any money that doesn't seem to be moving their case forward.  My advice is that if you can, try to trust your attorney and let her/him do their work without questioning everything.  If you don't trust your attorney, maybe it is time to get new legal counsel.

               The point I'm trying to make is that although legal bills can be costly, there are things that can be done to keep those costs down.  Like everything else in family law (and in life in general), I think it is helpful to stop, breathe, re-assess, and then act....

Going to Court

              For lots of people -- even for many attorneys -- going to court is a bit nerve wracking.  The judge sits up higher than everyone else -- "on the bench", approachable only behind "the bar," with permission.  It can evoke thoughts of "The Wizard of Oz."  And then there's the court personnel, including the bailiff, who is carrying a gun.  And you can only speak at certain times.  For good reason, most judges keep their courtrooms pretty well controlled.   It can be an intimidating atmosphere.

               If you're in court on your family law matter, chances are something serious and very important to you is about to be decided and naturally this could make you nervous.  Understandably.  The decision can often "go either way" and you might not know what the judge will decide (this is one reason I often counsel my clients to try to come to an agreement instead of going to court -- but "settling versus litigating" is the topic for another blog post).   

               All of this means that going to court could very likely cause some anxiety.  To calm your nerves, it might help to prepare yourself for your courtroom experience.  One thing I often suggest is for people to go to court on a day before their own court date simply to observe.  That way when you walk into the courtroom on the morning of your hearing, it isn't the first time you've been there and when it's your day in court, you will have some familiarity with the setup and with the process.  For many court hearings, you are allowed to sit in the spectator section and watch the proceedings on other matters, matters in which you have zero emotional attachment.  You might find it interesting or you might find it boring but in either case, it will help to demystify the process.

               If you are represented by counsel, of course, speak with your attorney about any questions you have or for any specific advice they can give you.  In general, it is good to get a decent night of  sleep before the hearing.  Also you should dress "appropriately" -- again, you can speak with your attorney if you have questions, but in general this means no ripped jeans, no bare midriffs, no hats, etc.  Dress as if you are going for a job interview. 

Resources:

• The S.F. D.A.'s office tips contain some good general advice applicable to family law courtrooms as well, http://www.sfdistrictattorney.org/index.aspx?page=27
• Introduction to the Court, general tips re going to court in Contra Costa Co., http://www.cc-courts.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=Page.ViewPage&pageId=7064

Happy Mother's Day

               I often tell my three children that being their mother is the most wonderful and the most difficult feature of my life.  Ever.  And often on the same day.  And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the universe.  And I know I am blessed and lucky to be able to be a mother -- to be their mother.

               Let's be honest, being a mother is hard work.  Really, really, hard work.  When my children were young I was faced with the prospect of working full-time, having my children in daycare for five long days every week, or of quitting work.  My husband (now my ex-husband) and I decided that although it would be a struggle, the only solution was for me to quit work.  I walked away from the practice of law -- and in large measure from the ability of having a career -- and it was the best decision I could have made.  I feel fortunate that I was able to make that choice. 

               And, in truth, when I quit the legal profession to stay home with my young children, I felt like I had been thrown off a swiftly moving train!  I was not prepared for staying home with young children all day.  Being at home with my children, every single day, was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Way more difficult than law school or the practice of law!  Being a "full-time mother" also taught me how hard my own mother had worked to raise her four children and as my appreciation for her grew, so too did my love for her.

               We can point to studies about how a mother's love and caring -- or lack thereof -- shapes a child, sets the tone for their whole life.  I think we don't need studies for what we know in our hearts.  So I want to say, thank you to all you wonderful mothers out there.  You are doing the world's most difficult job.  I hope that even on those rough days you can hang in there.  The world thanks and appreciates you...xox