Believing in Yourself

                I am so very fortunate that on account of age, travails, travels, and some guided instruction, I seem to be learning more and more of life’s great lessons. Probably the most important lesson is that believing in ourselves forms the essential foundation to healthy, happy, living. This one thing – believing in yourself – more than any other thing, sets your tone for each day. And affects every aspect of your life.  Certainly, I am not saying that if you believe in yourself nothing bad or evil or incomprehensibly difficult will happen.  However, what I absolutely know to be true is that our lives are much more easeful if we have a healthy self-esteem; the difficult events are easier to handle.

               How does this relate to divorcing, co-parenting, relationship breakup and heartache?  Fundamentally. Numerous articles have been written about free fall drops in self-esteem during breakups.  It’s almost bound to happen to some degree; however, you can prepare yourself and learn how to make improvements. (See below for some how-to helpful tips.)  As part of your divorce scenario, the benefits of a healthy self-love are well worth the work. Good self-esteem helps you to trust yourself to do what you need to do, even when the tasks are daunting and it seems you will never get through your divorce, let alone have a happy post-divorce life.   

Armed with a healthy self-esteem, you will not waste your precious energy second guessing yourself as you make huge decisions, which might include how you want your divorce to proceed (i.e., mediation or litigation, etc.), what makes sense for shared custody, whether you can keep the house or sell it, etc., etc., etc. – tons of gigantic decisions.  When we believe in ourselves, we are positioned to be centered and grounded – maybe picture yourself in a good strong Warrior’s Pose if you do Yoga, or if you have martial arts training, in a good fight stance. Steady and ready for what is to come. Believing that you will not get knocked down. Ever. And also knowing that when you do get knocked down (because let’s be honest, your divorce will up-end you at least once), you will be able to get back up.  

               Most divorces come at people fast and furious (unless of course you’re going to court, and then the lag times can be extremely frustrating).  A flurry of actions and emotions. Having a solid self-esteem, being grounded and centered, will help you to stay focused and resist the negative self-talk (and often the negative comments from your ex).  If you believe in yourself, you will get less rattled when your angry ex is telling you that you’re not worth jack, that you’re not going to have time with your kids, that you’re not going to get any financial support, etc., etc. When your self-esteem is good, you can let these comments roll off your back (think ducks and water).  And just to be clear, although it may be thought of as a gender thing, shaky self-esteem during a breakup is not limited to women; I have had plenty of male clients who have been laid low by their berating exes.

Believing in yourself and being grounded also puts you in a good position to make choices about what you would like and to calmly take steps to achieve those goals, rather than reacting from a defensive position. You will be in a better place to make those super important decisions about your future and your children’s lives when you have a good, solid, self-esteem.  In short, you will be in a great place to start formulating your Plan Be (aka Plan Believe) as you move through and beyond your breakup.  You can trust me – I’ve been through a nasty breakup, lots of life challenges, increasing numbers of gray hair, and am quite happy now living my Plan Be….

Resources to help you believe in yourself:

• ·        “4 Tips to Put Your Best Foot Forward” --  https://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-forsythe-msw/life-after-divorce_b_6142300.html
• ·         “7 Ways to Get Your Self-Esteem Back After Divorce” -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201608/7-ways-get-your-self-esteem-back-after-divorce
• ·        You can start believing in yourself today, wherever you are – whether you’re 27 and going through a heart wrenching custody fight with your ex, or you’re 67 and fighting bitterly over property, or you’re any age and not feeling super confident, you can develop better self-esteem.  I have plenty of gray hair, “laugh lines”, and difficult life experiences to back me up – I know what I’m talking about! Give me a call or email if you want to talk about it karen@karenjusterhecht.net OR 510.210.3796.

The "Divorce Diet"

               A few months into my own divorce my mother came up from Los Angeles for a visit. She asked me why I was “so thin.” Her words weren’t condemning but she was concerned. I have always been “thin” but clearly I had gotten even smaller. I shrugged it off and happily told her about all of my recent physical activity, thinking I was simply burning more calories. A few months after my mother’s visit I ran into a former neighbor who exclaimed, “Oh, you’ve been on the ‘Divorce Diet’!”  I’d never heard of such a thing – what was she talking about??

               The fact is, the “Divorce Diet” is a real phenomenon.  According to a recent New York Times article, it is caused by “stress, rage, sadness, and (for some) a need to control any part of their lives…that hasn’t fallen into complete chaos.”  This seems accurate and I was happy to see it in the news. Recently I saw a friend who is divorcing and had lost a lot of weight.  I mentioned the “diet” to her.  She’d never heard of it. It made me think of my surprise at hearing the term during my divorce and I realized that this is one of those “nasty topics” that we don’t talk about, and we probably should. Talking about it  might help divorcing people to pay a little closer attention when they start dropping pounds they’re not intending (or wanting) to lose. 

               Eating properly is one of the most basic – and essential – things we can do to take good care of ourselves. Especially during times of extreme stress…like a divorce….

Resources:

• ·        https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/14/fashion/weddings/the-divorce-diet-losing-a-spouse-and-some-pounds-too.html
• ·        https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/
• ·        coaching@karenjusterhecht.net

Positivity Blog: Reading List

               One of my good fortunes is that I love to read.  Reading brings me all sorts of pleasure, expands my mind, takes me out of present realities of toothaches and worry, transports me to worlds I don’t know about. I read before falling asleep, mostly because as a practical matter, this is when I have time. Recently I was thinking about the fact that whatever I’m reading sort of imprints on my brain as I move from my conscious world into the sleep-world and I realized that although I hadn’t actually planned to do so, one of the books I read before bed is always about positive thinking.  It is Diana Nyad telling about her Cuba swim, being stung by deadly jellyfish (literally) and somehow living – and continuing to swim! – by sheer will.  It is Jen Sincero reminding us to ‘be the badass we were born to be.’   Or Roz Savage writing about her more than one-hundred-day solo row across the Atlantic. Or a myriad of other books….

               We can choose to read and we can choose what we read. (In truth, I'm always reading several books at a time and currently, in addition to these positive thinkers, I am reading two James Baldwin books and a book of Lorraine Hansberry’s writings – brilliant thinkers, positive in their own way, but also difficult, distasteful truths imparted.)  

So, here’s my positivity tip for today: Choose to read at least one “can do” book and if you can, read before you fall asleep.  If you let it, you will receive these positive messages into a deep part of your brain, which will improve even the most difficult parts of your life, including your very pressing worries about your divorce, your finances, the wellbeing of your children, etc….And like most of the things I suggest: even if you don’t love it, it’s not going to hurt you so you might as well try it!

Resources:

·        your local library

·        your local bookstore

·        your own bookshelf

* OR feel free to email me for book suggestions --  guru@karenjusterhecht.net    

• 
  

What Has Nature Done for You Lately??

     

            "Go take a hike" -- you might want to say this (scream this?) to the partner you are splitting up with.  (Okay, let's be honest, you might want to yell something much worse at the top of your lungs....)  If you both were to take this advice, go out for a walk in nature, your divorce and custody proceedings would probably go a lot easier.  Science backs up what we know intuitively -- when we are walking and breathing in nature, we actually feel a lot better, calmer, and are helping our physical health as well.

            Walking in the woods is advocated by governmental agencies, at local, state, and international levels.  In Japan and Korea there are "healing forests."  The State of New York touts: "Think of it as a prescription with no negative side effects that's also free."  

             Being in a forest won't magically make your very difficult custody dispute or your frustrating fight over assets disappear, however, it almost certainly will help lower your blood pressure and calm your mind as you deal with these issues.  I hope you try it -- if nothing else you will have spent a few minutes taking a break from your problems....

Resources:

• http://www.dec.ny.gov/lands/90720.html
• http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html

Positive Thought + Positive Action = Positive Reality

          IT TURNS OUT WE actually have the ability to use our powerful brains to create positive outcomes, even in the face of seriously difficult circumstances.  Apparently our brains are wired to hold onto negativity more easily than positive stimuli, however, we can change this wiring.  Telling ourselves positive things helps our brains to build more positive experiences.

Resources:

https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/how-positive-thinking-re-wires-your-brain/

http://impacttheory.com/episode/wesley-chapman/

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/positive-neuroscience/

On the Benefits of Smiling

(My Mom at Hilo Botanical Garden, 2012)

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

                YOU MIGHT ASK: "Can we make ourselves smile and if so, why would we?"  It's a worthwhile question.  A few years ago (when I was in the middle of a time that was not so easy or happy), I happened to read an interview with Yoko Ono.  She said that after John was shot and killed, there were days she had to make herself smile.  She forced a smile because of her son...she didn't want him to see her sad and frowning all the time.  Smiling certainly didn't change the horrible facts she was dealing with -- the murder of her husband, the loss to their young son -- but it did change her reality.

                I am not saying it's good (or even possible!) to ignore the difficult facts of our lives -- whether they are in our personal lives or in our nation.  Actually I think we need to acknowledge truths, even those that are not pleasant.  (There are vast benefits from the truth  -- and much that can be written -- see my future blog post!)  However, even in midst of the bleakness that is sometimes the truth, it is possible to find a way to smile and even a forced smile yields many benefits.  

                Some super cool things that a smile does:

• sends endorphins to your brain
• causes other people to smile
• changes your mood
• changes your reality
• changes the world
• makes your face look more beautiful

                Seriously...try it on for size!  A little smile right now as you're reading...another tomorrow when you're stuck in traffic...and again the next day when you learn your ex is taking your kids to Paris....Make yourself smile....("Smile though your heart is aching.../That's the time you must keep trying/Smile, what's the use of crying/You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just smile...")

Resources:

• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/08/smiling-benefits_n_6598840.html
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
• http://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42-Smile-Lyrics
• If you're interested, come to my workshop on finding your joie de vivre even in the middle of your difficult divorce.

Divorcing Peacefully

Photo: Essaouira, Morocco May 2017

As a family law mediator and attorney, I usually describe my practice as "peaceful law."  This is often met with a somewhat incredulous smirk, followed by curiosity as to just what is "peaceful law" in a divorce and further, does it really happen???  The short answer is that "yes," it can be done.  The longer reply is that it does take concentrated effort.

                What is "peaceful law"?  In my law practice (as well as in my life outside of family law and mediation), my intention is to do no harm (or to put into crude parlance: to try not to be an as___le).  Obviously there are challenges to this noble intention, especially in a hot divorce situation.    

                How to practice peaceful family law when the other party's attorney is not (and is threatening to take my client to court, threatening to remove children and assets, etc.)?  Very challenging.  And still, I believe that in most circumstances, it is possible to practice peaceful family law.  For example, various peacekeeping techniques include: not threatening to file an RFO (Request for Order) every time the parties/attorneys are in disagreement; not hitting reply on that nasty email you've just written -- even when it's in reply to a nasty one received; taking a break when tensions flare -- this can be done whether in person by stepping out of the room or on the telephone by "taking a moment" or suggesting the call be continued to the next day. 

                In family law mediation, sometimes it's necessary to allow the "un-peaceful" stuff to be aired and as a mediator, I try to pay close attention to what is being expressed and work toward getting the parties to hear each other.  Most often during mediation when the parties listen and acknowledge the feelings the other person has been having, they can then work together to move forward in a peaceful manner.  (It might sound too good to be true, but it really does work!)

                Keeping the peace also includes not fanning the fires of hurt and anger in my clients by telling them they can "get" their ex by going to court.  Instead by acknowledging my client's very real feelings, we can work together to respond from a reasonable and objective place.  Again, I'll restate the obvious: these things are not always easy in family law when emotions are raw and there are so many serious life issues on the line.  However, the benefits to practicing peace as part of any family law proceeding are huge -- financial and emotional.  Sure it takes some work, but so does practicing war and in the end, I think given a choice, most people would choose peace....

               

Resources:

• There's even a WikiHow page on this topic:  http://www.wikihow.com/Divorce-As-Peacefully-As-Possible
• What parties can do to get peaceful:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-lifshitz/how-to-have-a-peaceful-di_b_7216226.html