Appreciations

                 It's embarrassing how long it's been since my last blog post.  I have good reasons, of course (we usually do).  I have started many posts (which should be an article on its own), and I've procrastinated quite a bit (which should definitely be the subject of another difficult to write post).  And I've also been busy developing my work (excellent in-depth mediation training -- which I would love to write about!). Perhaps most importantly, I've also been engaging in some very important work for my clients.

                Although I've frequently been asked, I don't have a "testimonials" section on my website.  In large part this is because my line of work is often very sensitive and personal and I never want to intrude on my clients' privacy in any way.  (Also, with admiration and respect to all my fellow attorneys, it might not the first trait you think of to describe an attorney, but in truth I am pretty modest and don't often put myself into the spotlight.) 

                Having said that, I would like to share part of my experience because when my clients tell me how much they have been helped by my work and how much they appreciate me, it makes me feel very very happy and reminds me of exactly why I do the work I do.  So...in part as an explanation of why my last blog post was so long ago and in part just because I'd like to share the light I have been receiving, this is some of what I've heard from clients over the last few months of intense work:

• Your work was indispensable to me
• Thank you so much, you're the best attorney, ever
• Thank you -- you did a great job
• I couldn't have done this without you

                In a public way (while also retaining client privacy), I want to say a big thank you to my clients.  You make my work so very worthwhile and my work enables me to keep growing and learning and enjoying my life....

"Stop Crying, You're Pissing off the Judge" -- Why the Court System Doesn't Work for Family Law

               Most divorces do not belong in court.  That might sound controversial, especially coming from someone who has spent most of her professional life as a litigator.  I think I shocked myself when I first started thinking along these lines.  But really, when you think about it, even the name sounds incongruous.  "Family" -- as in a cohesive,  loving, unit -- "Court" -- as in litigants, combatants, adversarials....

               Briefly, divorces are handled in the courts because historically the issues involved property and power transfers, first of a woman to her husband's family and also relating to whether a child was "legitimate" and could inherit property.  As one commentator aptly noted: "the framers of family court probably could not have fathomed it would become a tribunal for every family related dispute as it exists today." ["History of Family Court" by Effie Belou]  Modern life and culture have changed.  Women are no longer chattel.  Women no longer have to go to court in order to exercise control over their finances and their lives.  But for the most part, we are stuck in history -- still stuck in court for divorces and its related issues.

               Of course, with the caveat that this is just my opinion (that's a perk of writing a blog!) -- Here's why "family court" doesn't work:

• emotions are way too high -- about as high as you can get -- you used to be in love, he/she hurt you terribly, and now you are thrust into the "rational" -- non-emotional -- court system and supposed to magically have all the emotions disappear;
• the family law court system embodies the litigation system, litigation is adversarial -- very adversarial -- which is the antithesis of what you need when you are trying to deal with love gone bad and children caught in the crossfire.  Indeed, even referring to the divorcing spouses as "litigants" ups the ante and puts people in a defensive mode instead of a conciliatory mode, (which is much more conducive to effectuating the split and helping the parties to move forward with their lives);
• going to court takes a long time and litigation fans the fires instead of helping things to calm down and move forward -- and it eats up a lot of the parties' money, which is already stretched by things like suddenly supporting two households, counseling, attorneys' fees, etc.;
• the majority of judges are good, competent, caring people, however, they are usually over-worked and don't have a lot of time to try to learn about all of the relevant factors which would go into a good decision, and even if they could, they are strangers trying to come up with solutions to very personal issues;
• although judges make rulings on issues where they have to, I have never met a judge who likes to make thorny custody rulings, such as whether one parent has the right to move with the child out of the area; these are Solomonic decisions which are difficult enough for the loving parents to make, let alone a stranger, (the judge);
• litigation is financially and emotionally very costly -- attorneys' fees, expert fees, court fees,  rehashing issues over and over, parsing through this wrongdoing and that while trying to come up with ways to win in court -- which often leaves clients feeling drained;
• you may think you have a "winning cause", or your attorney may tell you that you will "win for sure" but the truth is, nobody can guarantee how a judge will rule -- no outcome is guaranteed.

               The great thing is that for most family dissolution cases, there are alternatives!  In most cases (for the inverse of the reasons stated above), I think it is in the best interests of all parties involved if they can reach a mutually acceptable resolution outside of the courthouse.  In this way, they can be a part of the solution instead of having a judge (a stranger) tell them what to do.  (And truly, I can't count the number of times I've heard parents say that neither of them agreed with the court ordered custody plan!)

               A multitude of approaches offer alternatives to knock down drag out litigation.  Some possibilities include:

• having the parties talk with each other and come to decisions together, filling out the paperwork and representing themselves -- and most counties have decent family law self-help resources;
• agreeing that one party will retain an attorney to help effectuate the dissolution, the terms of which are agreed to by both parties;
• both parties making a commitment to working with a mediator to resolve any issues that are prickly and can't be resolved by the parties without a neutral third party;
• working with attorneys who try to resolve disputes as a first approach before marching straight into court.

               I'm not saying that there isn't a place for judicial involvement in divorces.  To be sure, in areas of actual and deliberate malfeasance, the tools of the court system may be necessary and can provide some effective solutions.  Overall, I think family law participants would be much better served if the "court route" were the last resort instead of the normal first step.

               **A note on the title. I actually witnessed a seasoned family law attorney tell her client "Stop crying -- you're pissing off the judge."  The source of the client's quiet tears?  In an extremely abusive and difficult situation, the judge had just ordered the crying client not to respond to her children's calls for help.  Whether or not the judge had a valid reason for the order, the client had a valid reason for crying. However, there was no space for crying inside the courtroom.  Most judges are ill-equipped to deal with on outpouring of feelings -- they are judges, not counselors....

Resources:

https://www.britannica.com/topic/family-law

http://www.parentsinaction.net/english/Family_Court/History%20of%20Family%20Court.htm

http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/podcast_monthly_episode_59

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/divorce-without-court

Choosing -- AND KEEPING -- Your Attorney

             Unfortunately, sometimes the attorney-client relationship is not so happy and a high percentage of people who hire a family law attorney end up with a different attorney before their divorce is finalized.  The attorney-client relationship, especially in an emotionally charged situation like a divorce, can have its ups and downs -- not to mention, sideways,  backwards, and upside down.  This can be difficult for a person whose life is already changing radically with the ending of their marital relationship.  Additionally, it adds extra expense -- if you hire a new attorney, he or she will need to review the file, (which is often volumes of documents and emails and conversations and court hearings, etc.), in order to effectively take on your representation.  This review can take many hours of work by the new attorney and it's likely that at least a portion of which will be charged to the client.

               Because switching attorneys is costly (and can also be emotionally jarring), it's a good idea to choose your attorney carefully before you sign the agreement and pay the retainer deposit.  It can seem like there's a fire drill emergency and that you need to hire an attorney immediately (and in some cases, this is true), but usually it is best to be careful and make deliberate choices. 

               A good place to begin is to gather some names of attorneys you may be interested in.  Ask friends, family, colleagues for referrals.  You can also contact the local bar association or various online referral sites (such as NOLO Press).  Even if your best friend has recommended someone, it is a good idea to contact several attorneys and either speak with them over the phone or go into their office to meet in person (although beware as many attorneys charge a consultation fee if you go into their office to meet).  Even without a formal consultation, you can gain much insight about the prospective attorney by how they communicate with you.  Another source of information is the attorney's website or other online information.  Make sure that the attorney you are considering has the same approach that you do -- for example, if you and your "ex" agree on most everything, look for an attorney who will help you come to a settlement, not an attorney who promises to fight to the death in court.  Think about what issues may arise for  you and your ex -- for example complicated division of assets or a joint business venture, or custody issues, etc. -- and then see if the prospective attorney has experience in these areas.

               I often recommend that people choose an attorney who they can envision getting bad news from -- because in most cases, there will be some "bad news," something that doesn't go the way the client expects.  Hire someone you think you can trust -- do your homework and then trust your gut.  Try to think of being in a long-term relationship with this attorney -- keep in mind that even in the best case scenario, it will take the California statutory minimum of six months plus one day before your divorce is finalized and many divorces can stretch on for a couple of years. 

               The bottom line is that whatever methodology you utilize, do take some careful steps before you make up your mind and sign on the dotted line.  This is likely to be one of the most important decisions you will make in your divorce.  And once you make a decision, try to have faith in your choice and in your attorney and try to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... 

Resources:

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/top_10_questions_to_ask_a_prospective_divorce_attorney

http://www.aaml.org/library/publications/415/divorce-manual-client-handbook/5-selecting-divorce-lawyer

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/02/divorce-lawyer-advice_n_4661934.html

Setting AND Keeping Personal Boundaries

Good personal boundaries are elementary...right?  Involved in all relationships...right?  Yes, I think so!  And it is a little shocking to know that so many of us routinely violate what seems like a fundamental cornerstone to all healthy relationships....The issue is pervasive and affects people in all marital and ending-marital relationships, as well as being a part of the interactions between parents and children and employees and co-workers and friends, and even in exchanges with strangers, etc., etc. 

            Setting and maintaining good personal boundaries becomes absolutely imperative when people are divorcing.  If you aren't yet convinced, here's some really great, basic, things that can be achieved when we set personal boundaries:

• We can act, instead of reacting, we can direct ourselves and stop feeling like we are victims
• As we utilize the boundaries that we have decided on, we can change the entire dynamic of relationships -- treat yourself with more respect and others around you will treat you with more respect  -- voila, it's like magic!
• We empower ourselves by building our self-respect which creates a domino effect to pave the way for other positive things that we can achieve

            I recently read a brief article on "Upworthy" about planning for the future.  It hit me that several of the suggestions are directly applicable to setting good personal boundaries.  With my (slight)  modifications to the boundary setting context, the "Upworthy" tips include:

·        Take responsibility for all of your choices -- although many factors are beyond your control, own the choices you make and let that guide you

·        Remain flexible -- if you have set a boundary and it is routinely being broken, it might be time to re-examine and re-frame the boundary

·        Remember that not everything will turn out exactly how you planned but moving forward with intention, keeping your ideals in mind, will help you reach your ultimate goal

            It might not feel "natural" to set and enforce good personal boundaries, in which case, try to think of it as a job, a task to be accomplished.  Consider making a checklist to get started and then stick with it!  It might help to:

• envision having a "personal bubble" around you and then work to keep this area free and clear
• think about personal interactions that don't feel good (i.e., someone saying negative things about you, someone getting too physically close, etc.)...
• and then think about ways you can keep the negative behavior out of your "bubble" -- for example, if someone is being verbally abusive, keep your focus on being calm and making one simple declaration "If you continue to use those words (that tone, etc.) with me, I am going to walk away/hang up" -- and then you need to follow through....

           And as with everything, be persistent.  Don't give up even in the face of some setbacks.  Believe in yourself and your ability to create and maintain good personal boundaries.  You are the keeper of your boundary lines.  Don't expect that someone else will enforce your boundaries.  It is up to you to set the stage and once you do, you will find the power.  

"The most common way people give up their power is

by thinking they don’t have any...."  Alice Walker

Sources and Resources: 

• http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/setting-personal-boundaries/
• http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/
• http://www.upworthy.com/time-waits-for-no-one-how-can-you-make-sure-you-live-the-life-you-want-to-live?c=mail1&u=ce50be01a76129352e62f54b00e5ffafb6186176

The Different Faces of Domestic Violence

               It is difficult to write this article.  It is a difficult topic.  Distasteful.  Ugly.  Sad.  We are more used to keeping this topic in the dark than willingly discussing it...which is exactly why we need to shine the light.  There are many articles that need to be written -- and that need to be read -- about domestic violence.  This short piece briefly touches on the people behind the labels.

               There are a range of "victims" and a whole array of "perpetrators."  Most reported domestic violence is done by men against women; this isn't to say the vice-versa doesn't exist but it isn't as common (studies have put the number at 85% male to female violence).  Domestic violence happens across religions -- Jews, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, etc.  Often domestic abuse is under-reported.  Maybe in part we don't see it because we don't want to look....

               Most estimates concur that domestic violence occurs in 15% to 30% of all relationships.  Accurate numbers are hard to come by because of under-reporting and inaccurate reporting and inconsistent definitions.  We do know that domestic abuse occurs across the general population.  Whites, Blacks, Latinos, Asians, etc.  Rich, poor, and everything in between.  Its victims and perpetrators can be PhD. educated or lacking in formal schooling.  Young or old.  Domestic violence does not pick favorites.  (Many in this field refer to reported cases as the tip of the iceberg, believing that most cases actually go unreported.)

               Under the Family Code in California, domestic violence includes:  hitting and threatening, and does not need to involve physical contact, although of course it often does; it can include verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse;  see, e.g., Family Code § 6320.

               Recently a young woman was beaten by her boyfriend and the photographs ignited a conversation with the hashtag "SilenceHidesViolence" that has "gone viral".  In the last couple years awareness has been increasing. 

                I am not suggesting that domestic abuse is everywhere and unfortunately sometimes people call the police, file for a restraining order, make accusations, when there is no domestic violence.  Sometimes calling the cops is used as a weapon against the "other side" -- but comparatively, these cases are not the norm.  What I am suggesting is that we remain aware and open minded so we can see that domestic abuse can and does occur across all religious, ethnic, socio-economic, geographic, etc., etc., boundaries.  I have written this article to highlight the fact that domestic violence can touch your neighbor, your clergy, your professor, the clerk in your corner market, yourself...and by shining a light I hope we can help people come forward, get help, make things better...one family at a time....

References:

http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-domesticviolence.htm

https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html

http://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/0/subID/286/About-Perpetrators-of-Domestic-Violence/

http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/amajorpublichealthissue.pdf

http://jcada.org/www/docs/4

http://jech.bmj.com/content/58/7/536.full

Not 100% Devil....

              Newsflash:  that person who you used to be madly in love with has not actually turned into the Devil.  Your ex is a human being and all people have better and worse days and are not so nice at times.  This is especially true during a divorce.  From what I have seen (and I have seen a lot), divorce can bring out the worst in people.  Seriously, the ever loving worst.  I once read a piece written by a very seasoned divorce attorney from New York who wrote -- I'm paraphrasing -- something like: Divorce brings out the worst in nice people and makes mean people look like the Devil. 

               It is not a happy time.  Volumes have been written about the most common and difficult types of life transitions.  Breakup of a marriage is always toward the top of the list, along with death of a loved one and financial troubles.  In a way, divorce incorporates these other major transitions in that it is the "death of a relationship" and for the majority of divorcing people, financial health takes a hit.

               And it is not only the exes who become intolerable -- lots of people look at themselves (at a point when the hurt and anger and frustration have died down and is replaced by a little more objectivity) and realize they don't like the person they became during their divorce.  Like I said, divorce really does bring out the worst in people....

               A relevant article in "Psychology Today" evoked Maslow's ranking of human needs to say that in divorce, every basic human need is challenged and therefore, it is human to act out aggressively against these threats.

               Of course, my purpose in writing this piece isn't to justify anyone being a jerk or to make anyone feel bad for being a jerk themselves.  I am writing to shine light on this phenomenon that happens, to acknowledge that divorce can often trigger the "jerk response", and to suggest that if you catch yourself thinking your ex is an a----le, or berating yourself for being a bad person, take a deep breath and try to remember we are all capable of becoming the Devil and thankfully it is usually a temporary condition.  Of course, when that condition in your ex doesn't dissipate, it's good to rely on your trusty attorney to deal with the mess....

~~

Citations:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/why-are-divorcing-people-often-jerks

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-berkley-esq/the-sounds-of-divorce_b_3064705.html

Your Relationship with Your Ex -- Good Communication

               Depending on what stage of your divorce you're in or what kind of day you've had -- or "what kind" of divorce you're in -- you might want to call me crazy if you heard me saying that you and your ex are "in a relationship."  And I get that -- but really, you are.  Dictionary definitions of "relationship" describe it as the state of "being connected"  and it is the "way people regard and behave toward each other."

               The truth is, especially if you have kids, you and your ex are going to be "connected" for a long, long, time.  Even if you don't have kids together, during the period of the divorce -- which unfortunately often drags on for a what can seem like forever -- you will be connected with your ex while the issues of your dissolution (the divorce) are resolved.  The nature of your relationship has undoubtedly changed -- the parameters are not the same -- but you are still "connected" and you are still communicating and engaging in behaviors with each other and which affect each other.  While I am not suggesting that your ex is still your best friend -- maybe she/he will be or maybe not -- I am saying that it's a good idea to nurture the "relationship" and make conscious choices...just like in any relationship.

               An important aspect of any relationship is good communication.  We usually speak with our "besties" in a respectful way, conscious of their feelings, even if we are expressing something difficult.  The same holds true when communicating with divorcing spouses.  It doesn't have to mean that you still like/love/enjoy/trust/etc. that person -- in most divorces, even if exes eventually become "friends", there is usually a period of being "anti-friends."  Probably there are times when you are not seeing eye to eye.  At all.  In most divorces there are major, important, disagreements -- about custody schedules and custody support and spousal support and who gets to stay in the family home and who gets to keep the dining room table that you both lovingly picked out every piece of wood for, etc. Etc.

               And still...what I am suggesting is that even in the really tough times, if you work to keep the relationship and the communication respectful, you will feel better and things -- even the terrifically difficult issues -- will get resolved a lot easier.

               Addendum:

1. Good communication tips: utilize non-aggressive language and body posture;  take deep breaths and hit the "pause" button if you need to in the middle of any communication;
2. I'm not saying this is always easy; I'm not saying that sometimes you aren't dealing with Satan on the other side (future blog post: "Parenting with Satan").