A Place for Empathy in Resolving Conflict

"Empathy" (El Capitan, Yosemite)

 

            It’s not always my easiest sell – and I get it – when you’re doing your best just to sit quietly in the same room, when you’re here in the first place because you have reached the end of the line, when there’s a lot of red-hot conflict between you, it might sound ludicrous for me to tell you that I’m going to work with you to increase your empathy for that other person. But stay with me and let me try to tell you why it will help resolve your conflict.

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings, thoughts, and motivations of others – even if you disagree with them. It has been referred to as a “super power” in part because it is extremely effective in helping to reduce conflict.  Utilizing empathy helps to separate the personas involved (e.g., husband/dad and wife/mom) from the interests being expressed (e.g., wanting what is “best” for the kids). For example, when divorcing parents can hear that have very similar interests, that each of them love their children and want their children to be happy and healthy, it is a lot easier to come up with custody schedules and parenting plans that meet those needs. On the other hand, if these same parents are focusing on the person with whom they are in conflict, it is too easy to think about all the “bad” things that person brings to parenting, rather than on the specific issue being discussed, that is, what custody arrangements will work best for the kids and for their parents.

Empathy helps take you out of “defense mode” so that you are more open to actually hearing and seeing things from the other’s perspective.  When a person feels empathy coming from another person, they are likely to feel more calm, to stop fighting. Just knowing that you have been heard goes a long way in resolving conflicts – it is like you are being granted permission to put down your armor and end the battle.

It's also said that being able to use empathy empowers the person using it because they can use their empathy to help to control the situation and help resolve the conflict. Similarly, employing empathy helps you to control your own feelings and allow you to respond more and react less – which always yields better results.

Listening with empathy helps to create an atmosphere where needs can be expressed more freely and fully, setting the foundation for working out agreements where people’s needs are met, thus resulting in long lasting consensus. In coming articles I’ll post some “easy listening” techniques to help you listen with empathy, even during moments of heated conflict. 

In the meantime, I hope you find this helpful! You can always reach me at: karen@karenjusterhecht.net or 510.210.3796.

 

 

Now Is a Great Time to Mediate, Not Litigate

Doorway, Paris

If you’ve read any of my blog posts, or heard me interviewed, or even talked to me for more than five minutes, you probably already know that I adore mediation for conflict resolution. It is effective and saves people money and emotional wear and tear. (Plus, there are a zillion – or at least fifty thousand – more great benefits from mediation instead of litigation, but since I’m trying to keep it brief, I’ll stop here!) 

This week I participated in a Zoom meeting with the Family Law bench and bar, which included updates on Covid requirements, Covid delays, and budget constraints. As I listened to the conversation, the refrain that kept repeating in my head was: Now is a really, really, great time to mediate instead of litigate.  The judges and clerks are working harder than ever but because of budget and Covid delays, fighting in court is taking longer than before. It would appear that for the foreseeable future, there will be new Covid-requirements, adding to the litigation maze, which is already fraught with delays, frustrations, and costly legal bills.

When I put all these facts into the hopper, to me, the message is clear: If you possibly can, choose mediation instead of litigation! Of course, I do understand that not everyone wants to or can mediate – some circumstances seem to necessitate the strong hand of a judge in order to obtain the divorce decree – and still, I’m optimistic that with the current state of the courts, more and more people will mediate instead of litigate. Heck, maybe the court system will institute some formal incentives to entice people out of the courts and into a satisfying mediated judgment instead….

If you want to talk about how you’re interested in mediation but you think it couldn’t possibly work for you, or if you have any questions, please let me know: karen@karenjusterhecht.net or 510-210-3796. 

 

What to Do If Your Mediation Goes into a Tailspin

 

Street Scene, Paris

   It goes without saying that I am a true believer about mediation – otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this work.  Instead I’d be on an island in the sun...Okay but back to conflict resolution reality….

I know that mediation isn’t always easy on people, and still, I believe that considering possible outcomes, financial expenditure, and emotional health, mediation offers much better options than litigation. I could probably talk to you all day long about why I believe in mediation, but I also understand that sometimes mediations do fall apart. 

I have a few thoughts about how to try to keep a mediation from tanking and ending up in a nasty, expensive, court fight.

• ·        Plan ahead – agree that if a stalemate arises, you and your ex will engage in a set plan (*see below); sort of a conflict resolution inside of conflict resolution;
• ·        Your plan could include any or all of the following (or anything else that seems reasonable to the two of you) – a cooling off period, e.g., 2 to 8 weeks without trying to work on it, an actual resting period; commit to a discussion w/your mediator to get to the bottom of the reason(s) to quit mediation; active listening and agreement to participate in good faith to try to resolve the conflict within the conflict;
• ·        If you are already working w/counsel, see if the attorneys can get past the stalemate, in discussion without the spouses, in which the attorneys confer and then communicate with their clients;
• ·        If working with counsel, perhaps change attorneys or agree to proceed in mediation without attorneys;
• ·        Consider changing mediators;
• ·        Before ending mediation and heading to trial, consider if there are some issues that can be mediated (e.g., custody schedule, or spousal or child support, or allocation of assets, or how to divide the book collection, etc.), resolve these by agreement and if the remaining issues absolutely can’t be addressed in mediation, go to court on those issues.

There are some situations, of course, when mediation may not offer a viable remedy. For example, if your ex is stalling and has zero intention of participating in good faith, if there is a time-sensitive issue (e.g., impending re-marriage, death, financial consequence, etc.), or in situations of dangerous domestic violence.  If you’re engaged in mediation and you or your ex want to throw in the towel and head to court, I hope that my suggestions might be helpful to try to save you from a knockdown dragged out court fight.

If you want to talk it over, you can contact me anytime: Karen@karenjusterhecht.net or 510.210.3796. Hang in there and remember that even miserable times don’t last forever…. 

On Winter, Slowing Down, & Making Decisions

Around this time of year I usually get a flurry of calls. People reaching out to talk – often for the first time saying the words out loud – “I’m thinking of getting a divorce…” I listen and answer their questions as best as I can – the legal stuff, the expectations, the fears – and also often what I hear is hesitation. Although I’m not sure I have the best answers for someone who is “on the fence,” actually, I think some hesitation regarding this major decision is a healthy approach.  Once that divorce ball gets rolling, especially in litigated cases, it grows and often takes on a course of its own. (I usually suggest that divorcing parents watch “Marriage Story”, which is a pretty accurate representation of what can happen.)

Divorce is a very personal decision and only two people know best – the divorcing spouses. Friends and relatives usually mean well; their approach is couched in love and concern. But only the two people in the relationship, those people intimately involved in every aspect of the marriage, are in the best position to make the decision: Should I stay or should I go? (Caveat: In situations of dangerous domestic violence, the victimized spouse often is unable to see and accept the facts and can need active assistance in walking away.)  When I talk with people about divorcing, I do not tell them what they “should” do – initiate divorce or stay – instead I listen and try to help them make this decision.

Over the years, paying attention to my clients, I’ve noticed that December brings an interesting mix of emotions.  Anticipation – the new year with new beginnings is just around the corner – and also a slowness, which seems akin to the human need for hibernation. At first glance these seems to be polarities – one is all about action and the other is all about rest. I have come to see the beautiful value in each of these reactions, and in their interplay.  If we can allow ourselves both of these experiences, I think we can connect with our true hearts and make good decisions about all of life’s choices, and truly, seeking a divorce is a big decision, worthy of our best efforts….

If you want to talk, and want someone neutral to listen, please feel free to contact me:

karen@karenjusterhecht.net or @divorcewellnessguru on Instagram or @ 510.210.3796. 

 

Working through Conflict in the Zoom Room -- A New Era for Mediations

 

(Working Through Thick Paint)

“Zoom” – which before the last year mostly meant to “move fast” – has taken on a whole new meaning. Prior to the Pandemic, thirty to forty percent of my work with clients was via Zoom. When the Quarantine hit in full force, naturally, 100% of my work pivoted to Zoom. Video conferencing became one of the most talked about topics among colleagues. I attended several (Zoom) meetings about whether we “could” and “how to” hold Zoom mediations. I felt lucky – it was already a platform that I’d been using and I felt pretty comfortable at it.

               A year later, as we contemplate some sort of return to in-person work, I have been thinking about the look of my “new office” – virtual, in-person, a hybrid? Part of my cogitating has been about what face-to-face mediations looked like before the Quarantine, and also about how Zoom mediations have offered different, useful, perspectives.  I haven’t done an empirical study (after all, I’m a mediator, not a scientific researcher) but based on anecdotal observations, what I have noticed is that when I’m helping people work through some difficult conflicts, when emotions are very high, working in the Zoom Room actually seems to be more effective than working face-to-face in my (lovely) office setting. When Zooming from different rooms – brought magically together through the video conferencing platform – in the safety and comfort of their own spaces, people seem to be able to access their emotions much easier than if the “source of the conflict” is sitting three feet away from them, breathing the same air, taking up the same space. The distance afforded by the Zoom Room seems to give people greater tolerance for the emotional spikes that are inevitable – both for the other person and in themselves. I have noticed that as difficult emotional conversations are unfolding, people in the Zoom Room seem to be able to breathe and hear the words which the other person is speaking, instead of simply reacting to the words (which is of course a very common human behavior). Perhaps that nanosecond delay in the video conferencing software provides some literal breathing room, which helps defuse emotional tensions….

               I’m still evaluating what the “post-Pandemic” reality of my mediation practice will look like. Of course, I will be taking into account the prevailing public health recommendations (which at this point are not wholly embracing fully unrestricted in-person meetings).  I am going to also be very mindful of how video conferencing might actually offer something better than in-person, old style, mediations. At the very least, I think that video mediations have provided an effective – unexpected – benefit that can be very helpful to clients. And, as this last year living through the Pandemic has taught us in no uncertain terms…the future is hard to predict and is wide open with possibilities….

If you have any questions about how mediation might work in your situation, please reach out to me: karen@karenjusterhecht.net or 510.210.3796…and in the meantime, I hope that you are staying well and feeling hopeful about your future!

 

 A Quick Update

                 2021, it seems, started off with quite a whoosh – it’s hard to believe that we’re nearly halfway through January already! I am planning a nice new year’s post before January slips totally away…in the meantime, a really brief greeting to say happy new year and, last week I gave my first-ever podcast interview, discussing all things mediation with Ryan Lockhart at McKenna Brink Signorotti.  I really enjoyed our conversation and hope that I shed some light about mediation. You can find the interview at this link, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Of course, if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me @ 510.210.3796 or karen@karenjusterhecht.net .

               Happy 2021 and I hope to be back here soon with some thoughts about divorce and the new year!

Creating Your Foundation (Not A Panacea)

 

(Yucatan, 2018)

                          Working with a Divorce Coach isn’t going to solve your problems. (Sorry.)  Following advice to meditate, eat well, walk on the beach, and get plenty of sleep won’t make your divorce issues (or any other issues) go up in a puff of magic smoke.* That would be great, but it probably won’t happen quite like that.

               Your Divorce Coach – even the most excellent and wise coach – isn’t going to tell you “the answers.” Instead, your hard work (and there’s no way to sugarcoat: it will be hard work) is to listen to your coach – even when you don’t want to hear what you know deep inside is true, as you build up your own strength, find your own solid ground, and determine the best answers for yourself.  When you’ve done the hard work, when you solidify your center, you will emerge knowing how strong and wonderful you are. You will trust yourself and from this grounded place, you will be ready to meet every challenge that you have to walk through.

               If you want to get past your divorce issues – if you want to thrive – there is no other option other than walking through.  It’s like that children’s book: Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, you have to go right through it. And although there isn’t a magic pill that someone can give you, maybe after all there is the magic that you find inside yourself….

*To be clear: walking on the beach, meditating, etc. are wonderful and I enthusiastically recommend. If you want to talk about other things that I would suggest for you, let’s talk: karen@karenjusterhecht.net – until then, take good care and try to find something beautiful every day!

Finding Your Divorce Wellness

              Divorce wellness is a real thing.  It isn’t an oxymoron. And it doesn’t magically appear. Divorce Wellness isn’t something that I (or anyone) can give you. You can’t buy Divorce Wellness off the shelf. I can tell you about it, can help lead you through it, but the work, the commitment, must be done by you.  I’m sorry – if I could give it to you, all wrapped up with a perfectly tied ribbon, I would, but that’s not how it works. I can, however, help you to find Divorce Wellness for yourself.

               For those of us who have been divorced, or who are divorcing, we know that there is a special kind of awful that often comes with the process and although a lot of people say “It is what it is” – The truth is: it doesn’t have to be this way! You can learn how to step through the muck and emerge into a new beautiful joyful normal. Really. I promise you that you can do it. I’m not saying it’s always easy.  For sure, divorce can throw us into a kind of grief and, as a wise grief counselor said, “You can go through grief, or you can grow through grief.” Yes, in a big way, divorce can suck AND, the great thing is that you can attain Divorce Wellness and live a really happy life thereafter!

               As a first step, try giving yourself permission to create the space for your own Divorce Wellness. Get intentional about it. Start by allowing yourself to acknowledge that there is a need and that it is permissible – necessary even – to allocate time and resources to get yourself where you want to be. Next, come up with “A Plan” – this could be done working on your own, working with a divorce coach (or a therapist), scouring the Internet for tips, or some other method. Your plan might not look the same as another person’s. The basics that I usually suggest include a regular meditation or grounding practice, creating a support network, getting physical, connecting with nature, and then more detailed actions (which could include learning about the divorce process, choosing an attorney, etc.) depending on what is needed in each situation.  

I have created a day-long Divorce Wellness Retreat to help you get back your joie de vivre, and then some. The retreat includes specific tips for how to achieve your own Divorce Wellness, general divorce information, restorative Yoga, a delicious catered lunch, and the creation of a safe and nurturing space in a beautiful location. If you want to learn more, please reach out to me with any questions – 510.210.3796; karen@karenjusterhecht.net   Early bird registration before 9/20/2019.

Whatever path you choose, I wish you joy and contentment….

Divorce Wellness Event Details:

What: A day-long retreat designed to help people find their joy before, during, or after their divorce

When: October 26, 2019, 10:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Where: Gorgeous Sonoma County (address given upon registration)

Mediation: A Different Approach to Family Law

Door Knockers, Rome

            I saw a “joke” on a German Instagram for lawyers. It goes something like this: “Ending your marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…and with lawyers….”  Yes, I chuckled when I saw it. And I also recoiled a little.  I’d like to see the narrative re-framed: “We got to work through some really difficult issues and with the help of a lawyer we came up with a great workable mediation agreement!”

It doesn’t make a good snappy joke and perhaps it does sound a little ridiculous – who wants to deal with feelings and with attorneys, and who would ever believe that the acrimony that led to divorce could move over so that an agreement could be reached??  But the truth is, getting a divorce doesn’t have to add to the emotional minefield. There are effective ways to divorce that don’t add gasoline to the raging fire. As counter-intuitive as it might sound, based on my years of life and work experience, I hope to convince you that mediating a peaceful settlement is actually a great way to obtain a divorce. 

Dealing with the underlying feelings – the reasons for the disputes – can work miracles to help the divorcing parties come to understandings of themselves and of their former partners, leading the way for agreements regarding custody and property and all those other thorny family law issues. The benefits of this approach can include saving substantial amounts of money by not going to court – litigation is horribly expensive. Mediation also saves emotional wear and tear for every member of the family – divorcing spouses and children and siblings (and also friends and co-workers) – as unfortunately litigation often brings out the very worst in otherwise nice people.  There are also significant long-term benefits because an agreement where each person has a say is much more likely to be adhered to in the future, which reduces the likelihood of having to go to court to make changes.

I love my work as a family law mediator and I’m on a mission to help people get divorced without feeling like they’ve bounced through class five rapids without a raft. Coming to an agreement on important issues like custody, support, the family home, the family dog, etc., etc., feels really good for the people getting divorced, which can be an important step toward living a happy post-divorce life.

I try to help divorcing parties to focus on the long game and not just the pain and anger which they are currently feeling (all of which is valid and has its place too). Sitting with their ex in a mediator’s office might not be the way that most people would choose to spend their afternoons, however, more often than not, the end result is great and makes it well worth the effort. 

If you think mediation might be right for you, please feel free to contact me with your questions.  Tel: 510.210.3796 Email: karen@karenjusterhecht.net

Divorce Wellness Positivity Blog ~~ Let’s Be Honest: Some Days Are Super Bad

In some ways divorce is a microcosm of life. Ups and downs just like always (except probably more extreme when you’re divorcing than most daily challenges). Some moments you’re feeling great, exuberant even, free from the marriage that has been troubling you for a while. Other times you feel really low, too exhausted to continue (and at that moment, you learn your ex has filed for a court date, or your attorney is demanding to be paid, or your kids are acting out, or etc.)  Divorce is often referred to as one of the most difficult life events – but you already know that. At times during your divorce, the highs might feel really marvelous, and the lows might challenge you more than you feel you can bear. And still, you must go on, even when you don’t have one more ounce to spare.  You can’t give up.  Somehow you have to muster the strength – for yourself, for your kids, for your future….

               If your divorce is getting you down, you gotta get yourself up, not give up. Of course I’m not saying it’s easy. Many things that are worthwhile don’t come easy. You will have to seriously engage in order to make things better. Create your own “boot camp.” Get tough with yourself so that you can take good care of yourself.

So here’s what I suggest:

• ·        Consciously decide that you, your life, your future, your happiness are worth it
• ·        Give yourself a limit – for example, let yourself feel weary and blue for another 48 hours – and then be ready to find your boot straps and move on
• ·        Make a list of all the things about your divorcing life that suck; make a list of all the things about your divorcing life that are great – include the things that will be better post-divorce; you might be surprised by what is on the lists
• ·        Get physical! Take a walk, ride a bike, engage in Yoga (in a class or online), or scrub your bathroom – each of these activities will release positive endorphins
• ·        Visit with a good friend or loving relative
• ·        Start making plans of what you will be doing post-divorce
• ·        Thank yourself, the Universe/your god, for all of the great things that you do have (e.g., running water, a roof over your head, people who love you, great children, your special talents for ____, etc., etc.)
• ·        Remind yourself that you are strong and that you are not going to give up – have faith
• ·        If you need help, ask for it – utilize your support network, including loved ones and divorce coaches

Try to remember that tomorrow or the next day (or the next month), the sun will shine again….

Divorce Wellness – Holiday Co-Parenting

                                         (December, Yosemite Valley)

            Parenting is wonderful. And challenging. Even under the best of circumstances. The holidays can be wonderful, and challenging – especially if you are “newly separated.” Everything seems heightened during this season—more traffic on the roads, longer lines in stores, constant “happy holiday music” – all of which can be particularly challenging if you’re trying to navigate the first holidays since your break-up.

            It can be daunting but it is possible to have smooth, happy holidays. Really. To begin with, try to work on remaining (or regaining) calm, resisting the pull to escalate. And try to keep bringing your focus back to your children, working to see things through their eyes, feel what they are experiencing.  (If you find this difficult, it may be helpful to start with some grounding/centering exercises – breathing, meditating, walking, etc. – feel free to contact me if you would like additional help with this.)

            In addition to the general advice to find some calm, specific co-parenting tips for smooth(er) holidays include:

• ·       Before the holidays crash around you, find a quiet time to work with your ex (otherwise known as the other parent to your darling children) to come up with specific plans so that surprises are minimized, avoiding confusion for you and for your children;
• ·       If it’s possible, see if you and your ex can continue some holiday traditions with your children; if you find it causes more tension to be together, create new traditions to enjoy with your children (without the other parent);
• ·       Try to be flexible and open to changes;
• ·       Remember to take good care of yourself too;
• ·       If things seem too overwhelming, (or depressing, or any other big difficult emotion), try to come back to centering yourself and focusing on your children, and if you need to, don’t hesitate to contact a friend or professional to help you through the rough spots...

Although this post is geared toward divorcing parents, the suggestions can also be useful for any single person coming into the holidays. Although the holidays may bring challenges, we can learn new ways to enjoy and feel good.

As always, if you have any questions or if you’d like to talk, feel free to contact me anytime! [You can email me: karen@karenjusterhecht.net or contact me through my website: www.karenjusterhecht.net ]

Emergency Response Plan

          Not wanting to add gasoline to the divorce fire, I hate to use the words “emergency” and “divorce” in the same conversation.  However, my mission in life is to help and sometimes that means straight talking about stuff that people don’t want to hear.  So, with that warning, here’s my advice: You need to write an “Emergency Response Plan” as part of your divorce!  The data proves that those who have an emergency plan are more likely to survive a disaster and while I’m not exactly saying that divorces are like disasters, there are definitely some parallels….If you have your plan, when “stuff happens” and your emotions are flaring (which often means you’re reacting instead of thinking), you can follow your plan instead of screaming at your ex in front of your children, or throwing a cast iron pan, or any number of things that normal angry people might do…and then later regret….

          During a divorce (which could start long before the word “DIVORCE!” is uttered and keep going all the way through the final decree and way beyond – sometimes a whole lifetime if there are lingering issues), it’s pretty certain that at least one “emergency” will pop up. Maybe money is withheld, or you learn that your ex is about to take a great vacation with your children and the new love interest, or a judge “unexpectedly” rules against you, etc., etc.  There are a bunch of things that could easily ignite a trigger. I’m guessing that everyone reading this could tell me about some horrific button-pushing-divorce-emergency. 

You can’t plan for everything; however, you can have a general plan to fall back on when the going gets super rough so that when it does (because at some point, it will), instead of retaliating, you can calmly do what you need to do.  I promise you that no matter how livid you get when the “emergency” hits you, your interests will be much better served if you can stick with a measured response.  Trust me, notwithstanding how angry and justified you feel in the moment, a judge reading about it later will probably see it differently.  There’s also the reverberating emotional baggage that you (and your children) will carry from an angry outburst.

          And after the heat has passed, as you continue on with your life, you will feel better if you have used your “Emergency Response Plan” instead of reacting in the moment.  Anger begets anger – no matter how great it might feel at the time (to lash out), feeding the fire of anger only leads to more anger.  Before you get to that point, try to focus on how you want to feel – do you want to feel hopping mad or do you want to feel blissful and content?  There is a time and place for anger, though it’s much better if it can be directed to an appropriate channel. In my Divorce Wellness work, I coach clients to focus on their wellness and help them to take steps to build it. 

          Hopefully you’re now convinced that Emergency Preparedness is a fundamental part of Divorce Wellness and you’re ready to try it. Here’s some ideas to help you get started:

• ·        In a quiet time, think about your trigger points, write them down, remind yourself that when triggered, you will utilize your Emergency Response Plan
• ·        Write down a list of friends and family who you can call, text, hang out with when necessary to vent (and use this with care so that loved ones don’t get burned out)
• ·        Think of activities that self-sooth you (these are individual for each person so my suggestions may not do it for you and that’s okay – think about your own self-soothers). Possibilities: yoga, running, swimming, walking, singing, dancing, washing dishes, gardening, etc., etc. (Recently I dragged my grumpy friend to a plant nursery, a magical couple acres in the middle of the city – we were both blown away at how wonderful it felt to walk through the aisles of beautiful lush little plants – I highly recommend!)
• ·        Educate yourself about the different ways of obtaining a divorce – e.g., “do it yourself,” mediation, litigation – to decide which method will work best for you
• ·        Always try to practice self-TLC (tender loving care) – it’s okay if you blow it and blow up sometimes! We are all human beings and not perfect so if you fall off your plan once in a while, please give yourself a pass and move on….

RESOURCES:

• ·        https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/19/smarter-living/how-to-turn-toxic-emotions-into-positive-actions.html
• ·        Contact me if you want to talk about your Divorce Wellness and creating the new normal that makes you happy – karen@karenjusterhecht.net OR 510.210.3796

Believing in Yourself

                I am so very fortunate that on account of age, travails, travels, and some guided instruction, I seem to be learning more and more of life’s great lessons. Probably the most important lesson is that believing in ourselves forms the essential foundation to healthy, happy, living. This one thing – believing in yourself – more than any other thing, sets your tone for each day. And affects every aspect of your life.  Certainly, I am not saying that if you believe in yourself nothing bad or evil or incomprehensibly difficult will happen.  However, what I absolutely know to be true is that our lives are much more easeful if we have a healthy self-esteem; the difficult events are easier to handle.

               How does this relate to divorcing, co-parenting, relationship breakup and heartache?  Fundamentally. Numerous articles have been written about free fall drops in self-esteem during breakups.  It’s almost bound to happen to some degree; however, you can prepare yourself and learn how to make improvements. (See below for some how-to helpful tips.)  As part of your divorce scenario, the benefits of a healthy self-love are well worth the work. Good self-esteem helps you to trust yourself to do what you need to do, even when the tasks are daunting and it seems you will never get through your divorce, let alone have a happy post-divorce life.   

Armed with a healthy self-esteem, you will not waste your precious energy second guessing yourself as you make huge decisions, which might include how you want your divorce to proceed (i.e., mediation or litigation, etc.), what makes sense for shared custody, whether you can keep the house or sell it, etc., etc., etc. – tons of gigantic decisions.  When we believe in ourselves, we are positioned to be centered and grounded – maybe picture yourself in a good strong Warrior’s Pose if you do Yoga, or if you have martial arts training, in a good fight stance. Steady and ready for what is to come. Believing that you will not get knocked down. Ever. And also knowing that when you do get knocked down (because let’s be honest, your divorce will up-end you at least once), you will be able to get back up.  

               Most divorces come at people fast and furious (unless of course you’re going to court, and then the lag times can be extremely frustrating).  A flurry of actions and emotions. Having a solid self-esteem, being grounded and centered, will help you to stay focused and resist the negative self-talk (and often the negative comments from your ex).  If you believe in yourself, you will get less rattled when your angry ex is telling you that you’re not worth jack, that you’re not going to have time with your kids, that you’re not going to get any financial support, etc., etc. When your self-esteem is good, you can let these comments roll off your back (think ducks and water).  And just to be clear, although it may be thought of as a gender thing, shaky self-esteem during a breakup is not limited to women; I have had plenty of male clients who have been laid low by their berating exes.

Believing in yourself and being grounded also puts you in a good position to make choices about what you would like and to calmly take steps to achieve those goals, rather than reacting from a defensive position. You will be in a better place to make those super important decisions about your future and your children’s lives when you have a good, solid, self-esteem.  In short, you will be in a great place to start formulating your Plan Be (aka Plan Believe) as you move through and beyond your breakup.  You can trust me – I’ve been through a nasty breakup, lots of life challenges, increasing numbers of gray hair, and am quite happy now living my Plan Be….

Resources to help you believe in yourself:

• ·        “4 Tips to Put Your Best Foot Forward” --  https://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-forsythe-msw/life-after-divorce_b_6142300.html
• ·         “7 Ways to Get Your Self-Esteem Back After Divorce” -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201608/7-ways-get-your-self-esteem-back-after-divorce
• ·        You can start believing in yourself today, wherever you are – whether you’re 27 and going through a heart wrenching custody fight with your ex, or you’re 67 and fighting bitterly over property, or you’re any age and not feeling super confident, you can develop better self-esteem.  I have plenty of gray hair, “laugh lines”, and difficult life experiences to back me up – I know what I’m talking about! Give me a call or email if you want to talk about it karen@karenjusterhecht.net OR 510.210.3796.

The "Divorce Diet"

               A few months into my own divorce my mother came up from Los Angeles for a visit. She asked me why I was “so thin.” Her words weren’t condemning but she was concerned. I have always been “thin” but clearly I had gotten even smaller. I shrugged it off and happily told her about all of my recent physical activity, thinking I was simply burning more calories. A few months after my mother’s visit I ran into a former neighbor who exclaimed, “Oh, you’ve been on the ‘Divorce Diet’!”  I’d never heard of such a thing – what was she talking about??

               The fact is, the “Divorce Diet” is a real phenomenon.  According to a recent New York Times article, it is caused by “stress, rage, sadness, and (for some) a need to control any part of their lives…that hasn’t fallen into complete chaos.”  This seems accurate and I was happy to see it in the news. Recently I saw a friend who is divorcing and had lost a lot of weight.  I mentioned the “diet” to her.  She’d never heard of it. It made me think of my surprise at hearing the term during my divorce and I realized that this is one of those “nasty topics” that we don’t talk about, and we probably should. Talking about it  might help divorcing people to pay a little closer attention when they start dropping pounds they’re not intending (or wanting) to lose. 

               Eating properly is one of the most basic – and essential – things we can do to take good care of ourselves. Especially during times of extreme stress…like a divorce….

Resources:

• ·        https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/14/fashion/weddings/the-divorce-diet-losing-a-spouse-and-some-pounds-too.html
• ·        https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/
• ·        coaching@karenjusterhecht.net

Positivity Blog: Reading List

               One of my good fortunes is that I love to read.  Reading brings me all sorts of pleasure, expands my mind, takes me out of present realities of toothaches and worry, transports me to worlds I don’t know about. I read before falling asleep, mostly because as a practical matter, this is when I have time. Recently I was thinking about the fact that whatever I’m reading sort of imprints on my brain as I move from my conscious world into the sleep-world and I realized that although I hadn’t actually planned to do so, one of the books I read before bed is always about positive thinking.  It is Diana Nyad telling about her Cuba swim, being stung by deadly jellyfish (literally) and somehow living – and continuing to swim! – by sheer will.  It is Jen Sincero reminding us to ‘be the badass we were born to be.’   Or Roz Savage writing about her more than one-hundred-day solo row across the Atlantic. Or a myriad of other books….

               We can choose to read and we can choose what we read. (In truth, I'm always reading several books at a time and currently, in addition to these positive thinkers, I am reading two James Baldwin books and a book of Lorraine Hansberry’s writings – brilliant thinkers, positive in their own way, but also difficult, distasteful truths imparted.)  

So, here’s my positivity tip for today: Choose to read at least one “can do” book and if you can, read before you fall asleep.  If you let it, you will receive these positive messages into a deep part of your brain, which will improve even the most difficult parts of your life, including your very pressing worries about your divorce, your finances, the wellbeing of your children, etc….And like most of the things I suggest: even if you don’t love it, it’s not going to hurt you so you might as well try it!

Resources:

·        your local library

·        your local bookstore

·        your own bookshelf

* OR feel free to email me for book suggestions --  guru@karenjusterhecht.net    

• 
  

What Has Nature Done for You Lately??

     

            "Go take a hike" -- you might want to say this (scream this?) to the partner you are splitting up with.  (Okay, let's be honest, you might want to yell something much worse at the top of your lungs....)  If you both were to take this advice, go out for a walk in nature, your divorce and custody proceedings would probably go a lot easier.  Science backs up what we know intuitively -- when we are walking and breathing in nature, we actually feel a lot better, calmer, and are helping our physical health as well.

            Walking in the woods is advocated by governmental agencies, at local, state, and international levels.  In Japan and Korea there are "healing forests."  The State of New York touts: "Think of it as a prescription with no negative side effects that's also free."  

             Being in a forest won't magically make your very difficult custody dispute or your frustrating fight over assets disappear, however, it almost certainly will help lower your blood pressure and calm your mind as you deal with these issues.  I hope you try it -- if nothing else you will have spent a few minutes taking a break from your problems....

Resources:

• http://www.dec.ny.gov/lands/90720.html
• http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html

Positive Thought + Positive Action = Positive Reality

          IT TURNS OUT WE actually have the ability to use our powerful brains to create positive outcomes, even in the face of seriously difficult circumstances.  Apparently our brains are wired to hold onto negativity more easily than positive stimuli, however, we can change this wiring.  Telling ourselves positive things helps our brains to build more positive experiences.

Resources:

https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/how-positive-thinking-re-wires-your-brain/

http://impacttheory.com/episode/wesley-chapman/

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/positive-neuroscience/

On the Benefits of Smiling

(My Mom at Hilo Botanical Garden, 2012)

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

                YOU MIGHT ASK: "Can we make ourselves smile and if so, why would we?"  It's a worthwhile question.  A few years ago (when I was in the middle of a time that was not so easy or happy), I happened to read an interview with Yoko Ono.  She said that after John was shot and killed, there were days she had to make herself smile.  She forced a smile because of her son...she didn't want him to see her sad and frowning all the time.  Smiling certainly didn't change the horrible facts she was dealing with -- the murder of her husband, the loss to their young son -- but it did change her reality.

                I am not saying it's good (or even possible!) to ignore the difficult facts of our lives -- whether they are in our personal lives or in our nation.  Actually I think we need to acknowledge truths, even those that are not pleasant.  (There are vast benefits from the truth  -- and much that can be written -- see my future blog post!)  However, even in midst of the bleakness that is sometimes the truth, it is possible to find a way to smile and even a forced smile yields many benefits.  

                Some super cool things that a smile does:

• sends endorphins to your brain
• causes other people to smile
• changes your mood
• changes your reality
• changes the world
• makes your face look more beautiful

                Seriously...try it on for size!  A little smile right now as you're reading...another tomorrow when you're stuck in traffic...and again the next day when you learn your ex is taking your kids to Paris....Make yourself smile....("Smile though your heart is aching.../That's the time you must keep trying/Smile, what's the use of crying/You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just smile...")

Resources:

• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/08/smiling-benefits_n_6598840.html
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
• http://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42-Smile-Lyrics
• If you're interested, come to my workshop on finding your joie de vivre even in the middle of your difficult divorce.

Divorcing Peacefully

Photo: Essaouira, Morocco May 2017

As a family law mediator and attorney, I usually describe my practice as "peaceful law."  This is often met with a somewhat incredulous smirk, followed by curiosity as to just what is "peaceful law" in a divorce and further, does it really happen???  The short answer is that "yes," it can be done.  The longer reply is that it does take concentrated effort.

                What is "peaceful law"?  In my law practice (as well as in my life outside of family law and mediation), my intention is to do no harm (or to put into crude parlance: to try not to be an as___le).  Obviously there are challenges to this noble intention, especially in a hot divorce situation.    

                How to practice peaceful family law when the other party's attorney is not (and is threatening to take my client to court, threatening to remove children and assets, etc.)?  Very challenging.  And still, I believe that in most circumstances, it is possible to practice peaceful family law.  For example, various peacekeeping techniques include: not threatening to file an RFO (Request for Order) every time the parties/attorneys are in disagreement; not hitting reply on that nasty email you've just written -- even when it's in reply to a nasty one received; taking a break when tensions flare -- this can be done whether in person by stepping out of the room or on the telephone by "taking a moment" or suggesting the call be continued to the next day. 

                In family law mediation, sometimes it's necessary to allow the "un-peaceful" stuff to be aired and as a mediator, I try to pay close attention to what is being expressed and work toward getting the parties to hear each other.  Most often during mediation when the parties listen and acknowledge the feelings the other person has been having, they can then work together to move forward in a peaceful manner.  (It might sound too good to be true, but it really does work!)

                Keeping the peace also includes not fanning the fires of hurt and anger in my clients by telling them they can "get" their ex by going to court.  Instead by acknowledging my client's very real feelings, we can work together to respond from a reasonable and objective place.  Again, I'll restate the obvious: these things are not always easy in family law when emotions are raw and there are so many serious life issues on the line.  However, the benefits to practicing peace as part of any family law proceeding are huge -- financial and emotional.  Sure it takes some work, but so does practicing war and in the end, I think given a choice, most people would choose peace....

               

Resources:

• There's even a WikiHow page on this topic:  http://www.wikihow.com/Divorce-As-Peacefully-As-Possible
• What parties can do to get peaceful:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-lifshitz/how-to-have-a-peaceful-di_b_7216226.html

Getting Physical!

Sometimes you just have to get physical.  Nothing else will do.  Your body craves it; your soul needs it.  Okay...I'm not talking about having sex (although of course, humans -- women as well as men -- need that too).  I'm talking about working out -- sweating out those toxins, flooding your body with endorphins. 

                Lots of ways you can do it.  When I'm not swimming, my favorites include riding my very old (found for free on the curb) stationary bike, interspersed with a little weight lifting, followed by a quick sprint, closing with some of my preferred Yoga poses --  Warrior and Downward Dog and Tree.  (Is it evident that I just had a good workout??)  A satisfying Yoga class in a good studio can also work wonders.  Some people love Pilates.  A bike ride is also fun and satisfying.  Lots of choices.

                The point is to do something, let the physical activity take over, let your brain have a mind of its own without you controlling it, let the thoughts go wherever they go.  As you start working up a sweat, you actually sweat out toxins, and magically while all this is happening, your body becomes flooded with endorphins and other neurotransmitters. 

                When you've finished, you feel like you could solve every single problem that the world might have -- and if you're a concerned citizen and/or if you're going through a messy or heart wrenching divorce, you have plenty of problems to choose from.  As a divorce attorney and family law mediator, I can't guarantee you any results but I can pretty reliably assure you that you will feel better, more centered, more balanced, more able to handle whatever comes your way.

                Multiple scientific studies show that in addition to working out tension, exercising increases our resilience, which helps to sustain us, for example as we're going through a long and difficult divorce.  Exercising also seems helpful in reducing extreme stress and also depression -- both common for people going through a divorce.  To thrive during and after your divorce, I recommend:

• regular exercise -- at times pushing your physical limits
• a good support network -- old friends, new friends, family
• a great divorce attorney and/or family law mediator -- a lawyer who listens to you and who you trust

Sources:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-does-exercise-make-us-feel-good/

http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/13/health/endorphins-exercise-cause-happiness/

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/06/how-exercise-shapes-you-far-beyond-the-gym.html